Sometimes it happens

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 When Alif was in the hospital, I spent many hours staring at his monitors. In the first weeks the numbers were frightening: they were constantly changing, alarms were going off regularly, and we'd learned enough to know what his numbers should be that when they weren't, we were afraid. Most of the time things stayed pretty even. He was in critical condition (even grave at times), but mostly the numbers stayed kinda sorta where they should be.

That's a little like the way life is right now emotionally. We're settling in to life in our "new normal" and for the most part, even though things kind of stink a lot of the time, the emotional barometer stays pretty even. There are even days now and then that feel pretty darn easy. We laugh and talk and enjoy each other as a family, the sun is shining, and we're appreciating everything we have. There are other times that feel harder. We feel the impact of our losses more deeply or a new loss pops up or something that has seemed okay until now suddenly feels permanent and that can be hard to deal with. But mostly, we just carry on. Day after day, step after step, we just - do.

But every now and then it hits. Something comes out of nowhere. I remember one of the early days of Alif's illness last April, I was in his room in the ICU and all I had to go by were those numbers on the monitor. I had grown used to alarms going off, so when the blood pressure alarm sounded I was on edge but not worried. His nurse wasn't around but I was sure she would hear the alarm and come adjust something and the numbers would go back to where they should be. 80/70 . . . 68/65 . . . oh my, I wasn't thinking this was a good sign and I poked my head out to see if someone was coming. 60/58 . . . 55/48 . . . oh my gosh, where ARE they? When his blood pressure went to 41/33 I yelled into the hallway, "Someone come help! His blood pressure is 41/33!" My mind was in TV drama mode, seeing that flat line beeping across the monitor . . . I was really panicked. Several nurses rushed in, adjusted the meds, and the situation improved. My blood pressure went down as his came back up.

I had that kind of moment on the emotional front today. I'd had a beautiful morning. I woke on time, showered before anyone else was awake (a rarity these days) and took the kids to their enrichment classes. Canaan and I love our "buddy day" and I was especially excited today because I'd responded to a post on a homeschooling group to purchase three years of science curriculum for about half what I would have otherwise paid. Imagine how humbled and blessed I was when this sweet lady *gave* me the books. It was just one of those sunshine-in-your-face kind of days. I took Canaan to the park, ran a couple errands, and soon we were headed back to the charter school to pick up the rest of the kids.

And then we drove past Burger King. The last time (and one of the only times!) we ate there was the day Alif got sick. My mind instantly flashed to Alif next to me on the bench, Rudy across from us singing Broadway-style, the kids playing in the disgustingly dirty playgym. That day is crystal clear in my mind, because it was the last day my life was normal. The last time I said goodbye to my husband as he drove off to work. The last day I went about my day as usual, without worrying about Alif.

Tears sprung to my eyes and I pouted. "I want that BACK, God! I want my husband back. I want my LIFE back. I want to go back there!"

My emotional monitor was beeping, and no one came to adjust anything, because they can't. No one can change what has happened in our lives. No one can fix Alif's vision, his cognitive challenges, the constant, constant worry I have that the new valve won't last or that he'll contract yet another infection. No one can make it so that he can work or drive again. These are things that eat away at me when - well, when I let them.

Then the guilt sets in. We have SO much. We have God, each other, our wonderful children, our home, everything we need, really. God has blessed us in so many ways. It's crazy to feel the pain of our losses so intensely when we've been gifted so much. But sometimes it just IS. It's hard.

I'm thankful that these moments don't usually last for long. By the time I picked up the rest of my kids, I was ready to enjoy them and carry on with everything we have going on today. I'm thankful for a God who understands that life sucks sometimes and doesn't berate me for having a hard day.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

January 2012 menu

I finally buckled down and made a one-month menu. I've wanted to do this for a long time, as I'm often late with grocery shopping just because it takes time to make the menu and shopping list. This way I can do the bulk of our shopping 2 weeks at a time and just have a quick trip in between for produce, milk, etc.

I simplified big-time with this menu. We like a lot of variety, so usually we don't repeat too many breakfasts or lunches and definitely not dinners. I decided to make a weekly standing menu for breakfast and lunch and just keep it easy. There are a few variations to keep it interesting, but it's the same idea each week. I'd love to improve on this by focusing more on nutrition, but just having this planned out (and thus avoiding fast food!) will help a ton. Also, breakfasts & lunches will have fruits & veggies added in - like oatmeal days there will always be a stir-in like apples, peaches, raisins . . . you get the idea. So here goes!

1 b-s'mores (hey, just keepin' it real)
l-soup & cheesy garlic bread
d-fil's birthday (eating at their house)

2 b-bean omelet
l-soup
d-"chik-fil-a" nuggets (made at home); sweet potatoes

3 b-oatmeal
l-tacos
d-roast; swedish baked potatoes

4 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-turkey sandwich
d-croissant poppers; salad

5 b-cereal
l-snack lunch (this will be a bento-style or muffin tin lunch)
d-chicken spaghetti; green beans

6 b-breakfast burrito
l-english muffin pizzas
d-chicken salad; breadsticks

7 b-pancakes (usually will make a clean-eating high-protein type with various grains)
l-salad
d-asian salmon; rice; salad

8 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-turkey burgers; fries

9 b-egg scramble
l-soup
d-pork chops; homemade applesauce; cauliflower

10 b-cream of wheat
l-taco salad
d-chicken stacks; rice pilaf

11 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-tuna sandwich
d-stew

12 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-zuppa toscana

13 b-breakfast burrito
l-quesadilla
d-meatloaf; mashed potatoes; carrots

14 b-pancakes
l-pasta
d-baked penne w/sausage

15 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-tuna casserole; broccoli

16 b-omelet
l-soup
d-quesadilla w/turkey; oven roasted veg

17 b-grits
l-tortilla soup
d-chicken stir-fry; black beans & rice

18 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-ham sandwich
d-shepherd's pie

19 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-split pea soup; tortillas

20 b-breakfast burrito
l-bagel pizzas
d-trader's pizza

21 b-pancakes
l-salad
d-vegetarian chili; cornbread

22 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-burritos

23 b-egg scramble
l-soup
d-white chicken chili

24 b-oatmeal
l-tacos
d-lasagna; garlic bread; salad

25 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-salami sandwich
d-chicken pot pie

26 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-roasted red pepper soup (TJs); cheesy garlic bread

27 b-breakfast burrito
l-english muffin pizzas
d-quiche; salad

28 b-pancakes
l-pasta
d-caprese grilled cheese

29 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-breakfast for dinner: egg sandwiches; bacon; fruit

30 b-omelet
l-soup
d-sandwich on bread roll

31 b-cream of wheat
l-taco salad
d-spicy honey chicken; quinoa

Family Goals 2012

Canaan, Emily, Alif, Malachi, Graham and Caris in November 2011

Because it's the end of the year, lots of people are starting to think about New Year's Resolutions. Well, maybe the super-organized have had theirs planned out for some time, and some procrastinators won't even think about it until January is officially here, but anyway, I've seen a few Facebook posts about those new-year promises we like to make. My favorite was my sister's, dug up from half a lifetime ago: Be happy ALL the time. Good luck with that one!

There are sure lots of things I can (and Lord willing, will) be working on personally in 2012, but my main push this year will be for some family goals. I wrote out a plan to work on some things each month. Here they are, in case you'd like some inspiration. I'll expand on each month as it comes along. I'd love to hear your ideas, too.

January: Spiritual health
-Set time for Bible reading
-Age-appropriate/topical Bible study for each person

February: Physical health
-Save sweets for treats
-Healthy snacks
-Fast food limitations
-Monthly meal plan
-Plan family activities
-Oral health
-Hygiene schedule

March: Financial health
-Family savings goals (Legoland? Family camp? Long-term, obviously)
-Donating/ministry ideas
-Yard sale

April: House health
-Yard: weed, plan, plant, clean, recycling center spruce-up

May: Emotional health
-Family fun nights
-SMASH journal
-Connect with extended family
-Crafts

June: Mental health
-Summer read-alouds
-Unit study as a family

July: Spiritual health
-How is Bible reading going?
-Plans for small group in the fall
-Age-appropriate/topical Bible studies for each person

August: Physical health
-Increase fruits & veggies
-Review everything else from Feb

September: Financial health
-Family savings goals - re-evaluate
-Donating/ministry ideas
-Christmas plans

October: House health
-Yard
-Take in recycling
-Indoor project evaluation & list

November: Emotional health
-Same as in May

December: Mental health
-Christmas break read-aloud
-Advent

Thankful for him and Him

 I have to confess something: I have been kind of having a pity party about some things. Our lives have changed so drastically that when I look at how things go these days, almost nothing is like it was a year ago. Alif is busy recuperating (read: sleeping, doing word searches, playing Wii, going on long walks etc.) and I am busy doing everything I was doing before as well as much of what Alif used to do (Christmas shopping, for example). It can get overwhelming, and I don't always handle it well.

In many ways, I feel like I lost my husband in April 2011. It's easy to focus on what we don't have, what is different, what's harder now. I told Alif last night that it feels like our life is divided: Before and After. I wondered aloud if it would always feel that way, and he said it probably will, though the differences are less drastic as the months go by.

 But then I think of Christmases past. Alif & I rising groggily from slumber to excited voices. Alif making coffee, Mama readying the camera. Smiles all around, albeit sleepy ones. You see, we'd been up very late, night after night, making our list and checking it twice, making piles of gifts and hastily wrapping them, making silly jokes that no one else would understand.

A couple nights ago Alif was resting on the couch while I wrapped gifts *my* way (not hastily but thoughtfully). I was so tired that I hit my deliriously silly mode and started to belt out, "Heeee's the boogie woogie bugle boy of company Beeeeeee!" The hilarity of it hit me and I started to giggle. First it was, "why in the world did THAT song pop into my head??" then, "Isn't it amazing the things we'll do in front of our spouse that we wouldn't do in front of anyone else?" Then Alif said, "C'mon, let's hear it again!" Ha! We were a sight.

Last night we stayed up way too late, wrapping again, talking, laughing. And then today I read about a friend who lost his Dad years ago today. It was such a precious reminder of what is left. There is much missing and our lives ARE very different today than they were a year ago. But oh, I'm so blessed. Christmas morning I will awaken next to my man. Our children will pad down the stairs and onto our bed. We'll tease them and remember baby Jesus, grown-up Jesus, and finally we'll rise groggily from slumber. Alif will make coffee and Mama will ready the camera.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

april 23-24, 2011

On April 23, Alif continued to move his face (grimaces, etc.), head and left arm. This was not just a nerve thing - this was actual movement! One of our favorite nurses yelled, "ALIF. ALIF." and he opened his eyes!! I couldn't believe it. He actually showed signs of life! My heart began to soar - maybe things could turn around! Maybe we  wouldn't be considering turning off life support on Monday!

The next day was Easter. I was feeling many things, all hard to describe. What an unfathomable joy to celebrate the rising of our Savior, being in the midst of the biggest trial of my entire life, but also feeling closer to Him than ever before. There were so many practical considerations: someone brought over Easter baskets for my kids, and I would never have remembered to do that. I had to decide whether to go to church or stay at the hospital, sending my kids to church with someone else. I couldn't begin to think of facing people outside the hospital setting, but I also couldn't bear the thought of my kids having a weird Easter morning on top of the absolute chaos going on in their lives already. I made up my mind to take them to church, and my brother-in-law Jason graciously offered to go with us, acting as a sort of emotional bodyguard. Oh, I can't begin to tell you the love and respect I had for my sister's husband that day. He stepped in dozens of times, answering questions firmly but lovingly, so I never felt I had to answer questions I didn't want to, but also didn't feel like I was pushing people away. Thank God for such a man!

I had prepared my heart to simply not cry, period, because I knew that if the tears started, they surely would not stop, and I didn't want my children to see me in an absolute mess. It was quite a juggling act that first week or so, how to handle it all with the kids. Things were VERY up and down - one hour things looked pretty promising, and the next the situation was grave. I was barely hanging on through the roller coaster ride and didn't want my kids on it at all. I stuck to telling them that Daddy was very, very sick, but that he was in God's hands; God was taking very good care of Daddy and so were the doctors and nurses, and we hope he will be home soon. I instructed everyone else to say the same and for the most part, people were very tactful with my kids.

After church that day, as we left the sanctuary, I told Jason, "I have never felt the urge to literally run to my car after church, but it's all I can do to walk right now." But we made it. My kids got to go to church on Easter. It sure wasn't normal - Caris was wearing some random dress that wasn't at all Easter-like, but we were there. When I got home my Dad was at the house waiting to pick up the kids so they could spend the rest of the day at his house. Hooray for Easter egg hunts and barbecue and family, even if Mom and Dad were spending the day in the hospital! The first thing he said was, "have you talked to your sister?" Talk about gracious offers - Megan had chosen to spend Easter morning in the hospital with my husband so I could go to church in peace! Sacrificial love. I told my Dad I hadn't talked to her and he said, "I won't spoil the surprise, but get to the hospital. You're going to be happy."

The whole drive there, I just couldn't imagine what awaited me! Could my husband possibly be sitting up in bed, talking? Nah, probably not . . . maybe more movement of his left arm, maybe even his left leg? Oh, I was so excited! I got into that room as quickly as I could (which isn't very quickly, if you know how the ICU works - LOL) and what I found was my husband moving his left arm and leg! AND, answering questions with nods and shakes of the head!! He understood us! Oh, MAN! I was so excited!

What it feels like

So. My house is quiet for the first time in at least 6 months, and I have more than fifteen seconds to think - alone - so I thought I'd do a little post. Mainly because my counselor says I need to write.

I've been trying to process what emotions I'm having. There's so much going on right now that it can be tricky to put words to my feelings, even to my own self. It's a pretty confusing thing.

But the other day I got a mental image of exactly what it feels like to be me right now. I'm about to annoy you if you hate word pictures.

So I'm in a lake - well, Alif & I are in the lake together. Some days we're doing ok. We're exhausted, of course, because being in a lake nonstop is a tiring thing. But you know, on those ok days we're kind of swimming around and enjoying ourselves even though we might really like to be on the shore and not smack in the middle of this blasted lake for 6 months in a row. But it's alright and sometimes it's even fun and SOMETIMES it even feels almost normal!

But a lot of days we're really REALLY tired and it sort of feels like we're treading water. There's really no fun happening and we're both pretty irritated and Alif especially cannot understand why we can't leave the lake already and get back to normal life. But we can't. There IS no normal life. It's all lake, baby, and you either swim or you drown, but either way there is constant effort.

And then there are those days that are thankfully few and far between when I am really pretty sure we ARE drowning. Like, that feeling of being just BARELY treading water, and our faces are going under and we're sputtering and gasping for air.

God is our lifeguard and sometimes we invite Him in to play and other times we look up at Him on His lifeguard stand and wonder why He's not jumping in to save us.

Our friends and family are all close by but no one's really swimming with us any more. They've basically gone back to their normal lives, as they should, but they come around and dip their feet in from time to time and sometimes someone even jumps in and throws us a ring now and then so we get a little rest.

So. That's how it feels right now. Some days are good, some are bad, they're all exhausting and we're trying to find our way through this and figure out what today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will be like.

Bible in 90 Days: Days 2 & 3

Genesis 18:14a Is anything too hard for the LORD? Let me just answer this with a resoundingly loud NO!

Genesis 19:16 And while he lingered, the men took hold of his hand, his wife’s hand, and the hands of his two daughters, the LORD being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city. I especially noticed the word "lingered" here. We are so inclined to wallow in our depravity, not realizing what God has for us - and yet God is so merciful. He takes us by the hand and leads us, if we'll listen!

Genesis 21:8 So the child grew and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the same day that Isaac was weaned. Just giggled when I read this and thought that Alif would probably relate to that second part. ;-) Yes, Canaan is still nursing. Yes, he is four. And yes, I'm kidding - Alif doesn't mind a bit that the "baby" still nurses.


Genesis 24:12 Then he said, “O LORD God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham."  I love this servant's heart! I want to be the kind of servant who is this faithful to her calling.

Genesis 24:50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you either bad or good. Heck yeah! Our opinion matters exactly zero. What God wants, however - that's what matters!

Genesis 25:32 And Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so what is this birthright to me?” Ok. I put a huge asterisk on my notebook next to this reference, because this whole story jumped out at me. Esau traded his birthright for a bowl of lentil soup. I trade out great things for lesser ones every day. For example, every time I overeat sweets, I'm trading health and fitness for a temporary pleasure. Not a great trade, but it sure seems so in the moment.

Genesis 26:24 And the LORD appeared to him the same night and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham; do not fear, for I am with you. I will bless you and multiply your descendants for My servant Abraham’s sake.” If I were to name my number one struggle in life, it would be fear. Do not fear, for I am with you. Love.

Genesis 32:12 For You said, ‘I will surely treat you well, and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’ Jacob is praying to God here, and when I read this I thought right off of our Awana kids and how hard they work to plant God's Word deeply in their hearts. How important it is to know His Word - and not just to know it, but to speak it. Out loud!

Genesis 33:4 But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Ohhhh. Jacob was so worried about Esau's retaliation, but here we see a beautiful picture of not only forgiveness but reconciliation. So inspirational!

Tip of the day: Be sure to pray before you read. Some of the things we'll read are awfully confusing! I remember one time I was telling a reading specialist that my oldest son would read and read in his Bible, but didn't seem interested in much else. She said, "Well, that's cheating! The Spirit is helping him." Cute - and true! He wants to speak to you. He wants to meet you where you are. Ask him to open your heart to what He wants to say! And don't stop there - as you're reading and you come across something you don't get, ask Him again.

Happy reading!