Lift Up Your Hearts

Sometimes it happens

2012-01-18T15:51:00.000-08:00


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When Alif was in the hospital, I spent many hours staring at his monitors. In the first weeks the numbers were frightening: they were constantly changing, alarms were going off regularly, and we'd learned enough to know what his numbers should be that when they weren't, we were afraid. Most of the time things stayed pretty even. He was in critical condition (even grave at times), but mostly the numbers stayed kinda sorta where they should be.

That's a little like the way life is right now emotionally. We're settling in to life in our "new normal" and for the most part, even though things kind of stink a lot of the time, the emotional barometer stays pretty even. There are even days now and then that feel pretty darn easy. We laugh and talk and enjoy each other as a family, the sun is shining, and we're appreciating everything we have. There are other times that feel harder. We feel the impact of our losses more deeply or a new loss pops up or something that has seemed okay until now suddenly feels permanent and that can be hard to deal with. But mostly, we just carry on. Day after day, step after step, we just - do.

But every now and then it hits. Something comes out of nowhere. I remember one of the early days of Alif's illness last April, I was in his room in the ICU and all I had to go by were those numbers on the monitor. I had grown used to alarms going off, so when the blood pressure alarm sounded I was on edge but not worried. His nurse wasn't around but I was sure she would hear the alarm and come adjust something and the numbers would go back to where they should be. 80/70 . . . 68/65 . . . oh my, I wasn't thinking this was a good sign and I poked my head out to see if someone was coming. 60/58 . . . 55/48 . . . oh my gosh, where ARE they? When his blood pressure went to 41/33 I yelled into the hallway, "Someone come help! His blood pressure is 41/33!" My mind was in TV drama mode, seeing that flat line beeping across the monitor . . . I was really panicked. Several nurses rushed in, adjusted the meds, and the situation improved. My blood pressure went down as his came back up.

I had that kind of moment on the emotional front today. I'd had a beautiful morning. I woke on time, showered before anyone else was awake (a rarity these days) and took the kids to their enrichment classes. Canaan and I love our "buddy day" and I was especially excited today because I'd responded to a post on a homeschooling group to purchase three years of science curriculum for about half what I would have otherwise paid. Imagine how humbled and blessed I was when this sweet lady *gave* me the books. It was just one of those sunshine-in-your-face kind of days. I took Canaan to the park, ran a couple errands, and soon we were headed back to the charter school to pick up the rest of the kids.

And then we drove past Burger King. The last time (and one of the only times!) we ate there was the day Alif got sick. My mind instantly flashed to Alif next to me on the bench, Rudy across from us singing Broadway-style, the kids playing in the disgustingly dirty playgym. That day is crystal clear in my mind, because it was the last day my life was normal. The last time I said goodbye to my husband as he drove off to work. The last day I went about my day as usual, without worrying about Alif.

Tears sprung to my eyes and I pouted. "I want that BACK, God! I want my husband back. I want my LIFE back. I want to go back there!"

My emotional monitor was beeping, and no one came to adjust anything, because they can't. No one can change what has happened in our lives. No one can fix Alif's vision, his cognitive challenges, the constant, constant worry I have that the new valve won't last or that he'll contract yet another infection. No one can make it so that he can work or drive again. These are things that eat away at me when - well, when I let them.

Then the guilt sets in. We have SO much. We have God, each other, our wonderful children, our home, everything we need, really. God has blessed us in so many ways. It's crazy to feel the pain of our losses so intensely when we've been gifted so much. But sometimes it just IS. It's hard.

I'm thankful that these moments don't usually last for long. By the time I picked up the rest of my kids, I was ready to enjoy them and carry on with everything we have going on today. I'm thankful for a God who understands that life sucks sometimes and doesn't berate me for having a hard day.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

January 2012 menu

2012-01-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

I finally buckled down and made a one-month menu. I've wanted to do this for a long time, as I'm often late with grocery shopping just because it takes time to make the menu and shopping list. This way I can do the bulk of our shopping 2 weeks at a time and just have a quick trip in between for produce, milk, etc.

I simplified big-time with this menu. We like a lot of variety, so usually we don't repeat too many breakfasts or lunches and definitely not dinners. I decided to make a weekly standing menu for breakfast and lunch and just keep it easy. There are a few variations to keep it interesting, but it's the same idea each week. I'd love to improve on this by focusing more on nutrition, but just having this planned out (and thus avoiding fast food!) will help a ton. Also, breakfasts & lunches will have fruits & veggies added in - like oatmeal days there will always be a stir-in like apples, peaches, raisins . . . you get the idea. So here goes!

1 b-s'mores (hey, just keepin' it real)
l-soup & cheesy garlic bread
d-fil's birthday (eating at their house)

2 b-bean omelet
l-soup
d-"chik-fil-a" nuggets (made at home); sweet potatoes

3 b-oatmeal
l-tacos
d-roast; swedish baked potatoes

4 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-turkey sandwich
d-croissant poppers; salad

5 b-cereal
l-snack lunch (this will be a bento-style or muffin tin lunch)
d-chicken spaghetti; green beans

6 b-breakfast burrito
l-english muffin pizzas
d-chicken salad; breadsticks

7 b-pancakes (usually will make a clean-eating high-protein type with various grains)
l-salad
d-asian salmon; rice; salad

8 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-turkey burgers; fries

9 b-egg scramble
l-soup
d-pork chops; homemade applesauce; cauliflower

10 b-cream of wheat
l-taco salad
d-chicken stacks; rice pilaf

11 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-tuna sandwich
d-stew

12 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-zuppa toscana

13 b-breakfast burrito
l-quesadilla
d-meatloaf; mashed potatoes; carrots

14 b-pancakes
l-pasta
d-baked penne w/sausage

15 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-tuna casserole; broccoli

16 b-omelet
l-soup
d-quesadilla w/turkey; oven roasted veg

17 b-grits
l-tortilla soup
d-chicken stir-fry; black beans & rice

18 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-ham sandwich
d-shepherd's pie

19 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-split pea soup; tortillas

20 b-breakfast burrito
l-bagel pizzas
d-trader's pizza

21 b-pancakes
l-salad
d-vegetarian chili; cornbread

22 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-burritos

23 b-egg scramble
l-soup
d-white chicken chili

24 b-oatmeal
l-tacos
d-lasagna; garlic bread; salad

25 b-yogurt, muffin, fruit
l-salami sandwich
d-chicken pot pie

26 b-cereal
l-snack lunch
d-roasted red pepper soup (TJs); cheesy garlic bread

27 b-breakfast burrito
l-english muffin pizzas
d-quiche; salad

28 b-pancakes
l-pasta
d-caprese grilled cheese

29 b-smoothie
l-brunch
d-breakfast for dinner: egg sandwiches; bacon; fruit

30 b-omelet
l-soup
d-sandwich on bread roll

31 b-cream of wheat
l-taco salad
d-spicy honey chicken; quinoa

Family Goals 2012

2011-12-30T18:57:00.000-08:00


Canaan, Emily, Alif, Malachi, Graham and Caris in November 2011

Because it's the end of the year, lots of people are starting to think about New Year's Resolutions. Well, maybe the super-organized have had theirs planned out for some time, and some procrastinators won't even think about it until January is officially here, but anyway, I've seen a few Facebook posts about those new-year promises we like to make. My favorite was my sister's, dug up from half a lifetime ago: Be happy ALL the time. Good luck with that one!

There are sure lots of things I can (and Lord willing, will) be working on personally in 2012, but my main push this year will be for some family goals. I wrote out a plan to work on some things each month. Here they are, in case you'd like some inspiration. I'll expand on each month as it comes along. I'd love to hear your ideas, too.

January: Spiritual health
-Set time for Bible reading
-Age-appropriate/topical Bible study for each person

February: Physical health
-Save sweets for treats
-Healthy snacks
-Fast food limitations
-Monthly meal plan
-Plan family activities
-Oral health
-Hygiene schedule

March: Financial health
-Family savings goals (Legoland? Family camp? Long-term, obviously)
-Donating/ministry ideas
-Yard sale

April: House health
-Yard: weed, plan, plant, clean, recycling center spruce-up

May: Emotional health
-Family fun nights
-SMASH journal
-Connect with extended family
-Crafts

June: Mental health
-Summer read-alouds
-Unit study as a family

July: Spiritual health
-How is Bible reading going?
-Plans for small group in the fall
-Age-appropriate/topical Bible studies for each person

August: Physical health
-Increase fruits & veggies
-Review everything else from Feb

September: Financial health
-Family savings goals - re-evaluate
-Donating/ministry ideas
-Christmas plans

October: House health
-Yard
-Take in recycling
-Indoor project evaluation & list

November: Emotional health
-Same as in May

December: Mental health
-Christmas break read-aloud
-Advent

Thankful for him and Him

2011-12-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

I have to confess something: I have been kind of having a pity party about some things. Our lives have changed so drastically that when I look at how things go these days, almost nothing is like it was a year ago. Alif is busy recuperating (read: sleeping, doing word searches, playing Wii, going on long walks etc.) and I am busy doing everything I was doing before as well as much of what Alif used to do (Christmas shopping, for example). It can get overwhelming, and I don't always handle it well.

In many ways, I feel like I lost my husband in April 2011. It's easy to focus on what we don't have, what is different, what's harder now. I told Alif last night that it feels like our life is divided: Before and After. I wondered aloud if it would always feel that way, and he said it probably will, though the differences are less drastic as the months go by.

But then I think of Christmases past. Alif & I rising groggily from slumber to excited voices. Alif making coffee, Mama readying the camera. Smiles all around, albeit sleepy ones. You see, we'd been up very late, night after night, making our list and checking it twice, making piles of gifts and hastily wrapping them, making silly jokes that no one else would understand.

A couple nights ago Alif was resting on the couch while I wrapped gifts *my* way (not hastily but thoughtfully). I was so tired that I hit my deliriously silly mode and started to belt out, "Heeee's the boogie woogie bugle boy of company Beeeeeee!" The hilarity of it hit me and I started to giggle. First it was, "why in the world did THAT song pop into my head??" then, "Isn't it amazing the things we'll do in front of our spouse that we wouldn't do in front of anyone else?" Then Alif said, "C'mon, let's hear it again!" Ha! We were a sight.

Last night we stayed up way too late, wrapping again, talking, laughing. And then today I read about a friend who lost his Dad years ago today. It was such a precious reminder of what is left. There is much missing and our lives ARE very different today than they were a year ago. But oh, I'm so blessed. Christmas morning I will awaken next to my man. Our children will pad down the stairs and onto our bed. We'll tease them and remember baby Jesus, grown-up Jesus, and finally we'll rise groggily from slumber. Alif will make coffee and Mama will ready the camera.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

april 23-24, 2011

2011-12-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

On April 23, Alif continued to move his face (grimaces, etc.), head and left arm. This was not just a nerve thing - this was actual movement! One of our favorite nurses yelled, "ALIF. ALIF." and he opened his eyes!! I couldn't believe it. He actually showed signs of life! My heart began to soar - maybe things could turn around! Maybe we wouldn't be considering turning off life support on Monday!

The next day was Easter. I was feeling many things, all hard to describe. What an unfathomable joy to celebrate the rising of our Savior, being in the midst of the biggest trial of my entire life, but also feeling closer to Him than ever before. There were so many practical considerations: someone brought over Easter baskets for my kids, and I would never have remembered to do that. I had to decide whether to go to church or stay at the hospital, sending my kids to church with someone else. I couldn't begin to think of facing people outside the hospital setting, but I also couldn't bear the thought of my kids having a weird Easter morning on top of the absolute chaos going on in their lives already. I made up my mind to take them to church, and my brother-in-law Jason graciously offered to go with us, acting as a sort of emotional bodyguard. Oh, I can't begin to tell you the love and respect I had for my sister's husband that day. He stepped in dozens of times, answering questions firmly but lovingly, so I never felt I had to answer questions I didn't want to, but also didn't feel like I was pushing people away. Thank God for such a man!

I had prepared my heart to simply not cry, period, because I knew that if the tears started, they surely would not stop, and I didn't want my children to see me in an absolute mess. It was quite a juggling act that first week or so, how to handle it all with the kids. Things were VERY up and down - one hour things looked pretty promising, and the next the situation was grave. I was barely hanging on through the roller coaster ride and didn't want my kids on it at all. I stuck to telling them that Daddy was very, very sick, but that he was in God's hands; God was taking very good care of Daddy and so were the doctors and nurses, and we hope he will be home soon. I instructed everyone else to say the same and for the most part, people were very tactful with my kids.

After church that day, as we left the sanctuary, I told Jason, "I have never felt the urge to literally run to my car after church, but it's all I can do to walk right now." But we made it. My kids got to go to church on Easter. It sure wasn't normal - Caris was wearing some random dress that wasn't at all Easter-like, but we were there. When I got home my Dad was at the house waiting to pick up the kids so they could spend the rest of the day at his house. Hooray for Easter egg hunts and barbecue and family, even if Mom and Dad were spending the day in the hospital! The first thing he said was, "have you talked to your sister?" Talk about gracious offers - Megan had chosen to spend Easter morning in the hospital with my husband so I could go to church in peace! Sacrificial love. I told my Dad I hadn't talked to her and he said, "I won't spoil the surprise, but get to the hospital. You're going to be happy."

The whole drive there, I just couldn't imagine what awaited me! Could my husband possibly be sitting up in bed, talking? Nah, probably not . . . maybe more movement of his left arm, maybe even his left leg? Oh, I was so excited! I got into that room as quickly as I could (which isn't very quickly, if you know how the ICU works - LOL) and what I found was my husband moving his left arm and leg! AND, answering questions with nods and shakes of the head!! He understood us! Oh, MAN! I was so excited!

What it feels like

2011-09-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

So. My house is quiet for the first time in at least 6 months, and I have more than fifteen seconds to think - alone - so I thought I'd do a little post. Mainly because my counselor says I need to write.

I've been trying to process what emotions I'm having. There's so much going on right now that it can be tricky to put words to my feelings, even to my own self. It's a pretty confusing thing.

But the other day I got a mental image of exactly what it feels like to be me right now. I'm about to annoy you if you hate word pictures.

So I'm in a lake - well, Alif & I are in the lake together. Some days we're doing ok. We're exhausted, of course, because being in a lake nonstop is a tiring thing. But you know, on those ok days we're kind of swimming around and enjoying ourselves even though we might really like to be on the shore and not smack in the middle of this blasted lake for 6 months in a row. But it's alright and sometimes it's even fun and SOMETIMES it even feels almost normal!

But a lot of days we're really REALLY tired and it sort of feels like we're treading water. There's really no fun happening and we're both pretty irritated and Alif especially cannot understand why we can't leave the lake already and get back to normal life. But we can't. There IS no normal life. It's all lake, baby, and you either swim or you drown, but either way there is constant effort.

And then there are those days that are thankfully few and far between when I am really pretty sure we ARE drowning. Like, that feeling of being just BARELY treading water, and our faces are going under and we're sputtering and gasping for air.

God is our lifeguard and sometimes we invite Him in to play and other times we look up at Him on His lifeguard stand and wonder why He's not jumping in to save us.

Our friends and family are all close by but no one's really swimming with us any more. They've basically gone back to their normal lives, as they should, but they come around and dip their feet in from time to time and sometimes someone even jumps in and throws us a ring now and then so we get a little rest.

So. That's how it feels right now. Some days are good, some are bad, they're all exhausting and we're trying to find our way through this and figure out what today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will be like.

Bible in 90 Days: Days 2 & 3

2011-07-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Genesis 18:14a Is anything too hard for the LORD? Let me just answer this with a resoundingly loud NO!

Genesis 19:16 And while he lingered, the men took hold of his hand, his wife’s hand, and the hands of his two daughters, the LORD being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city. I especially noticed the word "lingered" here. We are so inclined to wallow in our depravity, not realizing what God has for us - and yet God is so merciful. He takes us by the hand and leads us, if we'll listen!

Genesis 21:8 So the child grew and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the same day that Isaac was weaned. Just giggled when I read this and thought that Alif would probably relate to that second part. ;-) Yes, Canaan is still nursing. Yes, he is four. And yes, I'm kidding - Alif doesn't mind a bit that the "baby" still nurses.

Genesis 24:12 Then he said, “O LORD God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham." I love this servant's heart! I want to be the kind of servant who is this faithful to her calling.

Genesis 24:50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you either bad or good. Heck yeah! Our opinion matters exactly zero. What God wants, however - that's what matters!

Genesis 25:32 And Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so what is this birthright to me?” Ok. I put a huge asterisk on my notebook next to this reference, because this whole story jumped out at me. Esau traded his birthright for a bowl of lentil soup. I trade out great things for lesser ones every day. For example, every time I overeat sweets, I'm trading health and fitness for a temporary pleasure. Not a great trade, but it sure seems so in the moment.

Genesis 26:24 And the LORD appeared to him the same night and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham; do not fear, for I am with you. I will bless you and multiply your descendants for My servant Abraham’s sake.” If I were to name my number one struggle in life, it would be fear. Do not fear, for I am with you. Love.

Genesis 32:12 For You said, ‘I will surely treat you well, and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’ Jacob is praying to God here, and when I read this I thought right off of our Awana kids and how hard they work to plant God's Word deeply in their hearts. How important it is to know His Word - and not just to know it, but to speak it. Out loud!

Genesis 33:4 But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Ohhhh. Jacob was so worried about Esau's retaliation, but here we see a beautiful picture of not only forgiveness but reconciliation. So inspirational!

Tip of the day: Be sure to pray before you read. Some of the things we'll read are awfully confusing! I remember one time I was telling a reading specialist that my oldest son would read and read in his Bible, but didn't seem interested in much else. She said, "Well, that's cheating! The Spirit is helping him." Cute - and true! He wants to speak to you. He wants to meet you where you are. Ask him to open your heart to what He wants to say! And don't stop there - as you're reading and you come across something you don't get, ask Him again.

Happy reading!

april 22, 2011

2011-07-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

I really didn't even know what to do with myself when the neurologist told me that my husband's chances were terrible. There were so many thoughts battling in my mind. Faith demands belief, and I couldn't stop believing that God could do anything He wanted to no matter what those scans showed. But oh, those scans were bad.

I really felt like I was living in some sort of alternate reality. I felt absolutely protected by God and even amidst the circumstances I was able to rest in total peace. I didn't want to lose my husband. I definitely did not want my children to grow up without their father. But when you know your husband knows the Lord, there just is honestly something very sweet about thinking he may soon be with his Father.

My thoughts were random, to say the least. A song might play on the radio and I'd think how lovely it would be at Alif's funeral, and I would see a slide show playing in my mind. Alif with a baby in his lap, little toes pointing toward Daddy's bare belly. Alif kneeling next to three-year-old Canaan, proudly adjusting the toddler's stance for the best chance at a great t-ball hit. Alif in his fancy suit promising to love me as long as he would live. The six of us on the front porch, Daddy's face fading from the picture and leaving a widow and four fatherless children.

Tears came often, as they do now just remembering this time and the confusion that permeated every moment. Laughter was welcome, even when it was slightly manic. Friends and family showed the kind of support I could never have expected. God utilized each person's strengths, gifting and personality to bless us beyond measure.

But the reality was that we were facing a repeat brain scan in three days, at which time we would "need to make some decisions." I determined to spend those days loving my husband the best way I could and to not spend them mourning. I prayed over him many, many times a day. I stayed at the hospital, surrounded by loved ones. I went home in the evenings and tried to make life as normal as possible for our children. I set my alarm for two wake-ups each night, so I could call the ICU and get an update on the latest. The ICU nurses were absolutely angelic in giving me as many details as they possibly could.

On April 22, Alif had a few facial and left arm movements. There was some speculation that this could be just a nerve thing. I didn't buy it and soaked up every sign of life. He also had a fever, which was terribly concerning to me as we were now several days in with 5 or 6 tough antibiotics coursing through his system around the clock, and a few days out from a major surgery. I continued to pray for healing over every system in his body, for the nurses to be alert, skilled, caring; for the doctors to have wisdom and precision in their decision-making.

Bible in 90 Days: Day 1

2011-07-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I promise I'll continue Alif's story soon! We are home, praise the Lord, and adjusting back to normal life.

It's Bible in 90 Days time again, and this time I'm going to attempt to blog through it. I may not blog every day, but I think it'll be nice to have a record of the things God whispers (or yells!) through this process.

So here are my not-very-organized thoughts on the first day's reading, all in Genesis. Please note that all references are in the New King James Version, as that's the version I've chosen to read this time.

Genesis 3 - no wonder Satan is called the Father of Lies! So weird to be witness to that very first lie. It's so easy for us to scream at Eve and Adam, as if during a horror movie (which I do not watch. ever.), "don't listen! Don't buy it! You're gonna REGRET THIS!" But oh man, I get caught in sin at LEAST as easily, and when I have the benefit of hindsight, I always wish I'd chosen righteousness over temporary gain.

Genesis 3:8 And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. I do this too - "hide" from God and/or my family and friends when I'm involved in sin, when I'm depressed, when I just flat-out don't want to face reality. But man, seeing so visually here the amazing fellowship we have been afforded with our Lord, it really makes me scratch my head in wonder. Why in the world would I choose ugly over beautiful??

Genesis 3:14-19 So the LORD God said to the serpent:
      “ Because you have done this,
      You are cursed more than all cattle,
      And more than every beast of the field;
      On your belly you shall go,
      And you shall eat dust
      All the days of your life.
¹⁵ And I will put enmity
      Between you and the woman,
      And between your seed and her Seed;
      He shall bruise your head,
      And you shall bruise His heel.”
¹⁶ To the woman He said:
      “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;
      In pain you shall bring forth children;
      Your desire shall be for your husband,
      And he shall rule over you.”
¹⁷ Then to Adam He said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:
      “ Cursed is the ground for your sake;
      In toil you shall eat of it
      All the days of your life.
¹⁸ Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,
      And you shall eat the herb of the field.
¹⁹ In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread
      Till you return to the ground,
      For out of it you were taken;
      For dust you are,
      And to dust you shall return.”

We can make all the excuses we want to, but there's just no escaping the consequences of our sin.

Genesis 4:19 Then Lamech took for himself two wives: the name of one was Adah, and the name of the second was Zillah. Hmm. Just curious - is this the first polygamy? If so, how did God feel about it? I mean, clearly he designed one man and one woman to be married only to each other, and one man taking two or more wives was not in his will for us.

Genesis 4:26 And as for Seth, to him also a son was born; and he named him Enosh. Then men began to call on the name of the LORD. Just curious again - what does this mean, the second part? Part b? THEN men began to call on the name of the Lord? Hmm. In my notes, I wrote a question mark with a circle around it. BI90 isn't the time to pursue every question, but when it's over I'll want to go back and research.

Genesis 7:10 And it came to pass after seven days that the waters of the flood were on the earth. Oh, there is just such a blessed peace in those words, "and it came to pass". God's words are ALWAYS true. We can count on Him always. Always.

Genesis 9:6 Whoever sheds man’s blood,
      By man his blood shall be shed;
      For in the image of God
      He made man.
There's a lot of talk in Christian circles about the sanctity of life, but this verse made me think about the less obvious ways we show a lack of respect for life. If I'm made in God's image, then is it right, for example, for me to ignore this earthly body and let it turn half to flab? Is it ok to snicker at someone's huge schnoz on TV? (No, it is not - that is one of my pet peeves, making fun of a person's actual physical makeup! God MADE that thing!) What about even LESS obvious things, like neglecting to hug my child when he stubs his toe? NOT kissing her little nose when she wakes in the morning? If we are made in the image of God, then friends, we are due proper respect and so are those around us.

And here's just a little practical note: for those of you who said things like, "I can't even keep up with reading the Bible in a year, much less in 90 days!" My personal opinion, having waded into - oh, about Leviticus - at LEAST 15 times on one-year plans? Is that it's actually EASIER in 90 days. Yes, it's a bigger time commitment. Yes, there are times you will want to pull your hair out at reading another genealogy or record of war or description of a temple. But guess what? You can do this for 90 days. You really can. It's quick, bam, and you're done. And I PROMISE God will speak to you.

april 21, 2011

2011-06-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

Sometime in March I started to talk to Alif about his Birthday. I started by suggesting we have four or five families from church over for a barbecue. That was met with a resounding NO! Fine, I said, can we just have one family over for dinner? Still NO. He is not a person who likes attention, especially in groups, so his reaction wasn't surprising.

Well, he got his way. On April 21, 2011 he turned 37 and slept through the entire day. Then again, he did have lots of visitors that day, and my sister brought balloons and signs and we decorated his room. We also put cards all over the wall. Most were from children. Children of families where he'd done work ("thanks for making almost our whole house"), kids from Awana, of course from our own kids. I read him each one before putting it on the wall.

We talked to him as though he could fully hear us, because I truly believed (and still believe) that he could. It was so important to me to fill his mind with truth, hope, humor and love because I had no feedback - no way of knowing what he was thinking about and feeling. I think it helped to keep my spirits up too, especially the book I prayed over him numerous times a day.

I can't remember how it came about, but we knew on this day that Alif was having a CT scan of his brain. That evening around 6:00 Jan, Rabae and I went into the nurses' station in the ICU with Dr. H, our neurologist. He sat in a swivel chair and worked to get a computer screen to show the results of the scan. I stood nervously with my arms crossed, Jan's arm around my shoulders.

Finally the screen opened up and there I could see a brain. At first it just looked like any other brain, but then Dr. H started to scroll through different views and even my untrained eye could see that there were problems. Dr. H told us that when Alif's mitral valve had become infected, pieces of that infection - vegetation - had broken off, entered the bloodstream, and showered into his body - mostly into his brain, causing many, many strokes. One side of the brain showed a very large stroke. The other side showed a large bleed. There was damage to the brain stem. There was damage all over his brain.

I couldn't take in what any of this meant. I listened question-less to his descriptions, which he delivered matter-of-factly but with an obviously somber attitude. The gravity of the situation could not be missed. Jan spoke for me, asking questions that would help me to absorb what he was saying. I think I asked a question or made a comment to the effect of, "so? We can deal with deficits," to which Dr. H replied, "I do not believe he will be able to speak. Walk. Talk. Breathe. If he were my age, I would give him absolutely no chance at all. At his age, his chances are terrible."

His chances are terrible.

His chances are terrible.

Those words, combined with the images in my mind of the giant stroke(s) and bleeding, are burned in my mind forever. They bring tears to my eyes even now. It was genuinely the worst moment of my life. We had been fighting for my husband's life for five days. I'd been told two times already that he would likely not survive. This time felt much more final. He had been through so much, his body was so, so sick, so weak. And now his mind, too.

Jan, Rabae and I left the ICU and as we walked down the hallway the tears started flowing. The youth pastors from our church had just arrived, and as I made my way down the hall flanked by Jan and Rabae, the thought struck me that Cory and Mikey surely thought Alif hadn't made it.

The three of us went down the hall to a quiet waiting area. I let my chest and head fall and wept. I don't know how long I cried, but it was a long time. I was thinking of my kids - how would I tell my kids their Daddy would never be coming home? I thought of the special bond Alif has with Canaan and wondered if God gave them that because He knew they would only have four short years together. I begged God, "Please, please! I don't want this to be their testimony! I know you can do amazing things through this but it's not what I want for them, God! Please don't take their Daddy. Please!"

The youth pastors came in and prayed over us. I continued to cry.

That night I wrote in my journal, "devastating news about Alif's CT scan."

Here by Kate White

2011-06-01T19:33:00.001-07:00

I know I just posted these lyrics a few weeks ago, but I figured if I needed the reminder maybe you did too.

Here by Kate White

Here in this place
With emotion I will praise you
And here in this place
You embrace me as I am
Here without fear
I will climb into your lap
And cry
And here, bathed in tears
The unknown is put to rest

My life is overwhelming me
It's hard to see the things You see
Your Spirit comes to comfort me
I will praise You
I will praise You
I will praise You here

april 20, 2011

2011-05-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

Every hour that passed after the surgeries, the weight seemed a little lighter, the breathing a little easier. One hour out of surgery and nothing has come crashing down! Two hours out and he's still alive! Three hours out and he's stable! By the time evening came we were all absolutely exhausted but relieved and thankful and ready to go home for some sleep.

April 20. Lynette's Birthday. We were supposed to go over to her house this night and have an early Easter dinner. Lynette had said no gifts and no Birthday celebration, but who follows directions like that? I had a cute idea planned out and couldn't wait to give it to her. What a different day April 20, 2011 turned out to be than the one we'd planned.

Let me go back a couple days, though, because as I write there are so many details that I want to remember and so if I forget some I'll go ahead and add them out of order.

The day the doctor told me Alif would not survive his lung infection, we cried out. Everyone who asked about his condition knew how bad his infection was, and "pray for his lungs!" was the main prayer request that day. Several times I asked God to heal him so completely that everyone would know that it was by His power and for His glory that Alif had been healed.

Imagine my faithless surprise when I walked in to his room the next day and the respiratory therapist looked thrilled! I asked how it was going and he said, "you're not going to believe it. He's satting (saturating with oxygen) so well I went to get his nurse and the charge nurse to come check it out. I've been pulling people in here all morning to look at him. I can't explain what happened - maybe some whole other pocket opened up or something? He's satting GREAT." Smile! That's our God!

So back to the day after surgery. It was nothing but good news all day. Alif was (and had been since the 17th) still intubated and sedated, but his numbers were looking good all day. It was bittersweet to see him doing so well but to only know that by looking at his heart rate, his blood pressure, his oxygenation. Alif and I talk a LOT. Many times throughout the day we call each other's cell phones and relay some little detail, check in, joke around. How strange and disheartening to know my husband only by numbers on a screen. "How are you today?" "140/80, 76bpm, 93%." Not normal!

Even still, it was a beautiful day to have no crises pop up. It gave me a few minutes to reflect on how grateful I was to serve a Master who loves us in an all-consuming way. There truly is not a time in my life I can remember ever feeling closer to my Father than in those first couple weeks. I felt completely enfolded by Him - shielded, comforted, loved. Every moment of quiet I prayed. Every minute in the car I prayed over every system in Alif's mind and body. I was so thankful not only for a good-news day, but for the ultimate Good News that even if Alif didn't survive this ordeal physically, he was in his Father's hands and therefore absolutely rescued from every kind of harm.

What a comfort, what a joy!

april 19, 2011

2011-05-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

There was a dance happening between Alif's doctors - or as Jan says, the doctors were all having to play nicely together in the sandbox. The cardio-thoracic surgeon, Dr. P, needed to do surgery to replace Alif's mitral valve. That surgery needed to be done immediately. The infectious disease doctor, Dr. K, needed surgery to wait at least a few days so that Alif wasn't going into surgery so badly infected. The worst-case scenario was surgery immediately. The best-case scenario was surgery in a few days.

Surgery was scheduled for April 19, 2011. Almost immediately.

I asked Jan, "Do you think he will survive?" She paused. She said, "that's two questions. Do I think he will make it off the table, or do I think he will survive after the surgery?" She assured me that she felt confident that he would make it off the table. She was also compassionately clear that his chances after surgery were slim. We would be fighting blood pressure, infection, etc. etc. Getting him stabilized would be tricky.

I decided I would spend the night with Alif that night - have some time alone with him, say all the things I'd ever wanted to say, pray for him, sing to him. I delighted that no matter how I wracked my brain, there weren't many things I could think to say that hadn't already been said. I told him how much I loved him, of course, how proud I am to be his wife, how thankful for the years and years he'd worked so hard to support the lifestyle we have chosen. When morning came I was exhausted but thankful for having had the opportunity to be as close to him as possible going into the surgery.

We had finally gotten ahold of Alif's parents and they were due in during surgery. Alif was scheduled at 9:30-ISH (we were told not to put much stock in that time frame!) and family and friends started to show up pretty early. I think they finally took him back around 11, and Rabae and I were able to walk him out and give him last-minute hugs and kisses. Then the waiting began.

Looking back on the situation, this particular scene makes me laugh. There's a waiting room outside the ICU that's a pretty good size. It has probably 15 arm chairs and a table with four chairs also. We had moved the table aside and set up a full size air mattress. There were about 30 people in that room rooting Alif on, praying, laughing, crying, hugging, eating, working on laptops, pacing. Later in the day Jan came in and said, "there are families complaining that they have nowhere to wait." Megan said, "Oh! We haven't seen anyone!" Jan replied tactfully, "I think they've been waiting in the hallway." It was like the Big Fat Greek Wedding of hospital waiting rooms.

I'd asked Jan to promise me something. "If he doesn't make it off the table, Jan, please make sure I hear it from you. I don't want to see the doctor walking in here with that look on his face." She promised.

Sometime in the afternoon, Fred and Juanita came rushing in. About 3 minutes later, Dr. P came with the surgery report. "Everything went well." Rejoicing! Everything had gone well!

Very shortly after, a nurse (Jan? I forget) came in and pointed at me, Rabae, Fred and Juanita. "wife, sister, mom, dad." We went into the hallway and there were several nurses putting gowns on us as we walked in to the ICU. We had about 15 seconds to kiss Alif, touch him, tell him we loved him, and then they whisked him back into surgery. He was bleeding. WAY too much. The next day a nurse told me that when he was in the second surgery, it was the longest 50 minutes of her life.

But he made it through the second surgery too, and the bleeding stopped. Well, slowed to a normal rate.

Mitral valve replacement surgery. Age 36.

april 18, 2011

2011-05-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I finally went home to sleep. Jan made me promise I would get at least 2 hours of sleep but preferably 3. The night before I'd put the kids to bed only to yank them out at 11pm and take them to Lynette's house when I got word that they were moving him to the ICU, so now I had someone spending the night every night just in case.

I laid my head down in my bed that night and to say my mind was swirling would be a huge understatement. The thought of lying there while my husband was so sick in the hospital felt ludicrous. The LEAST I could do was to be there with him - but I knew that if I didn't sleep I would crash, and that was certainly not a good plan. I knew at that moment there were saints praying for Alif and for me and it felt almost like a physical covering. My Dad was at the hospital and staying all night - that helped too. I finally slept.

When I awoke I called my Dad to see how things were going. He said there was a doctor in and I said I would go take a shower and head over. Not more than two or three minutes passed and my Dad called back and said, "Hon, the doctor said there's no time for a shower. You need to come now."

It makes me quiver inside just remembering that moment - the fear, the FEAR. I prayed the whole way to the hospital, if it can be called praying to cry out over and over, "Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus."

I rushed up to the ICU and the pulmonologist was sitting in front of a computer screen. He showed me a scan of Alif's lungs, slice by slice, as if looking down on each section. The lungs should have looked black, open. Instead they were almost completely white. In a thick accent the doctor said, "Everywhere should be black. All of the white is infection filling the lungs. We are pushing oxygen in but there is nowhere for it to go." I stared at him, arms wrapped around myself. He said, "mortality rate is very high in cases such as this." I responded, "my God is bigger than that infection."

Then I walked away and cried. I donned the gown, face mask and gloves we were required to wear every time we went in to be with Alif and I sat by his side, holding his hand, praying scriptures over him, crying.

At some point during the day it was determined that Alif did indeed have a staph infection. Not only that, but his mitral valve was infected. This is a day we had worried about all of the time I have known Alif. We knew this day might come. We knew he should have his mitral valve replaced. We knew every little cut was a potential breeding ground for staph. We KNEW this. Why didn't we every take care of it?? Why had we waited until now, when he was at death's door? It was a major struggle on this day to forgive myself for not having been proactive YEARS before.

During these very early days, we were absolutely surrounded by our family and friends. Alif's parents were in Egypt, of all places, and we struggled to get ahold of them and let them know what was happening. People stepped up to take care of my kids, my house, my meals, and I basically lived at the hospital. I wanted nothing to eat as I constantly had a pit in my stomach, but those around me made sure I did anyway. We were - and are - so well loved.

april 17, 2011

2011-05-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was glad when Alif was moved to a regular room because I knew he'd be a lot more comfortable in a regular bed than in a gurney. As long as we kept current on his pain and anti-nausea medications, he was very comfortable. As opposed to the emergency room, I had to ask for his medications "on the floor" (nurse-speak for being in a regular room). When I asked for them the first time they gave him the pain medication before the anti-nausea and that made him a little miserable. The second time I insisted he get the anti-nausea first and he said, "you are the woman."

By this point I had been awake for goodness knows how long. Let's see - I'd slept on Friday night, but was up all of Saturday night and now we were at Sunday night. I was tired. At one point Alif said, "you must be exhausted." He was also concerned about making sure I was eating something. It was so ironic that he was lying there suffering with who-knew-what and concerned that *I* might be tired or hungry. My husband is a caring man.

Meanwhile, I was getting very frustrated that something was obviously wrong and no one seemed to know what. I asked the nurse, "So do we basically have no idea what's wrong and we're just treating symptoms?" She said gravely, "yes." I asked when the doctor would be back and she said either that evening or in the morning.

Somewhere in here the prayer chain at church had gotten word that Alif was being admitted to the hospital. Our friend Jan got this request, e-mailed me asking "what hospital??" and the next thing I knew, she was there with us. When she came in she looked Alif over, talked to him and then turned to me, saying nothing. I asked her what she thought and she said, "I don't want to alarm you, but I don't like the looks of this. He looks septic." Pit - in - stomach. Jan knows what she's talking about. She's been a nurse for a long time. She works with the most critically ill patients.

Alif's sister Rabae pointed out to Jan that Alif wasn't moving his right hand. I asked Jan why his oxygen was only showing at 84%.

Next thing I knew Jan was whirling about, making things happen. Talking to the floor nurses, asking questions, wondering aloud if this and that testing had been done. A nurse brought in a nasal cannula and put him on oxygen. It didn't help. They moved up to the next step, some other oxygen machine, and that didn't help either. Repeat several times. The last machine I saw him on was some sort of forced pressure oxygen thing. It was completely covering his mouth and nose and all I could see was his eyes. They were wild, terrified. It was horrifying. I started to be really afraid. What is happening to my man?? Jan started to talk about the possibility of moving him to the ICU, sedating and intubating him. After seeing those terrified eyes, it sounded like a reprieve. ICU sounded like a safe cocoon and I was thankful they were moving him there.

Jan joked, "You're going to my house now, Alif!" He asked, "do I need directions?"

My journal entry that night read, "Oh God, help my husband! Please heal him, and quickly!"

april 16, 2011

2011-05-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night I slept in Caris & Canaan's room. Any flu that would take my super-healthy husband and turn him into a slug that quickly was not a flu I was willing to risk!

Thursday and Friday were more of the same. Alif sick on the couch, Alif sick in the bed, Alif taking Tylenol and Motrin and having a fever of 100-101. Pushing fluids, watching him lie there with muscle aches, headaches and just flat-out sick.

I was concerned when several days had gone by and he hadn't improved, and not only that but no one else was sick. It's not normal to have a family of six and only *one* person get a flu.

Saturday rolled around and it was busy. We had soccer games, Grand Prix and mama's hair appointment on top of Daddy Sick On The Couch. I ran the kids all around, leaving one with Alif to make sure he had fluids and anything he might need. I checked in after each event to make sure he was ok. At one point I freaked out on him a little, chastising him for not drinking ANY fluids while I'd been gone for almost three hours. He started crying. Alarms went off in my head. Alif crying about fluids did not seem like a good thing.

The last event of the day was Graham's soccer game. When we got back, Alif said, "I can't do this any more. I have to go." I said, "to the hospital?" He said yes, so I called Lynette, dropped the kids off and took him to the emergency room. I drove on the freeway so I wouldn't have to stop and go so much. It made me think of when I was in labor and how miserable that ride to the hospital always was. When we got there I dropped Alif at the door and told him to just sit down and I'd get him checked in once I parked.

We sat in that emergency waiting room for four long hours. Shortly after we got there he started to complain of abdominal pain. I will admit that I was relieved - I thought, "Oh good! He's got appendicitis! They'll do surgery and he'll be feeling so much better by tomorrow!" I approached the triage nurse three times, begging them to get him in and explaining that he was in excruciating pain. It was absolutely a nightmare watching my husband writhe in pain and being completely incapable of doing a thing to make it better.

They did finally call us back and once they did they acted quickly. The nurse did an ultrasound of his abdomen right at the bedside and said that while his liver enzymes were elevated and his platelets were low, his appendix and gall bladder looked fine. I was disappointed - if not his appendix or gall bladder, then what was causing him so much pain and illness? They gave him some morphine and almost instantly he felt better. Relief!! A couple hours later the doctor said he was going to admit Alif to keep an eye on him. I was so glad that I didn't have to take him home feeling awful and wondering what was wrong.

There was a really quirky and kind nurse that morning. She came in and said to me, "do you want something to eat?" I was beyond exhausted at this point, worried, not thinking clearly. I just stared at her. She said, "A turkey sandwich, maybe? . . . . Turkey? . . . Yummy yummy? . . . . . I'll just go get one." She came back with a full meal. Some people really are cut out to care for others.

After the decision to admit him, we waited for a room to open up. It was well into Sunday when they finally moved him to a room.

a month ago today

2011-05-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

April 13, 2011.

It's hard to even write something after writing out that date. It's so ominous. It's the date our lives changed. Drastically.

It didn't start out like anything but an ordinary day. We all went about our morning like usual and Alif left for work. He called me mid-morning and we made arrangements to meet at the post office to apply for Malachi's passport in hopes that it would be here in time for the upcoming father-son missions trip to Mexico.

As usual, Alif was running late so the kids and I went to Burger King for lunch. Alif and his worker-pal Rudy met us and we enjoyed lunch together. Some Diana Ross 80s song came on and Rudy sang along in perfect pitch, complete with diva-style hand motions. It was nice having lunch with my husband! He's a busy man so we don't often meet for lunch like that.

After lunch we made our way over to the post office, swore with right hands uplifted that Malachi is our son and Alif wrote a check for the passport fee. The clerk informed me that the birth certificate I had was the wrong type, and when I asked in an irritated voice, "what??" Alif kept his cool and said, "No problem, we'll go get the new kind." My feet were hurting in new shoes, but it had to be done so we said goodbye to Alif and Rudy and the kids and I went to get the new birth certificate and return it to the passport clerk.

Finally we went home, late for our daily quiet time. The rest of the afternoon was peaceful, though, and at 5:15pm I was actually relaxing on the couch when Alif came through the front door unexpectedly - much earlier than he normally comes home from work. He didn't look good. At all. You know how you can just look at someone you love and see that something is very wrong? I can still see him clearly in my mind - he came in and stood there a second, just looking sick. His skin looked damp and his energy was gone. I said, "what happened??" He responded that he didn't feel well.

Alif went to his office and took off his jeans and button-up and came back to the couch and laid there in his sweats and t-shirts (yes, more than one LOL). He had a fever of about 100 or so. I thought he must have gotten a really serious flu and we treated it as such, giving him fluids, Tylenol and Motrin and lots of love. There was no way he could make it to Awana that night so I fretted over having to drive his truck to church - Grand Prix was coming up and Alif was supposed to be cutting cars for the kids that night, so he asked me to drive his truck with all the tools in it so that someone else could do the cutting. I did fine with the truck, though a friend from church followed me home and backed it into the driveway so I wouldn't have to attempt that.

After I got the kids into bed I went to check on Alif, who had gotten himself into our bed for the night. He said, "I'm scared that it's staph, Emily." I assured him that it was not staph at all but just a bad flu, but inside a fear started to grow. I went downstairs and started some internet searching. What I found was not reassuring at all: his symptoms matched up with a septic staph infection a little too closely. I called our nurse advice line and once she'd heard his history (he had a staph infection in high school that caused endocarditis, an infection of the heart valve) and his current symptoms, she advised us to stay home and continue our course of treatment - fluids and fever medicine.

I wish I'd listened to my gut - and Alif's - and gone to the emergency room.

26 days

2011-05-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

26 days ago my husband could take his little girl dancing.

He could hug his kids, go to work, walk, remember what happened 5 minutes before.

26 days ago Alif was a soccer coach for Caris' indoor soccer team. He was excited about the father/son missions trip to Mexico that was right around the corner.

26 days ago he walked with a bounce in his step.

Today he can't walk. A staph infection took him down in a matter of hours and he's been sick ever since. Very sick. Critically sick.

I'm sure I will eventually process here, pour out our story, fill in the details. For now I just ask that you pray. Please and thank you.

The post I've been dreading

2011-04-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I started Bible in 90 Days on January 4, 2011. I was excited and had great hope, but I was also a little bit anxious - would I *really* finish the entire Bible? In 90 short days? Like you, probably, I'd started reading the Bible many times, many ways, but I'd never actually finished reading the whole thing at one time.

Still, BI90 offers great resources to help you finish, and I took full advantage. I bought the BI90 Bible, joined a mentor group and signed up for daily e-mails from the BI90 program.

And guess what? By the grace of God, I DID IT! I actually read through every single page of the Bible in 90 days!!

Now here's the part I've been dreading. How am I supposed to put this experience into words that make sense? Words that really capture how this changed me? Ah - well, I probably just won't do it justice, but I'm going to get some tea, pretend we're face to face and go for it.

Alright, peppermint tea is in the microwave (I know, very hillbilly of me but it works and it's quick) (also, did you know that peppermint tea is totally awesome for a tummyache? I had to drink some last night after eating almost 100% junk all day, and within minutes I felt better).

So ok. When I started reading the Bible this time, I really hoped I would be a completely different person at the end. I hoped to be free from my food addiction. I hoped to not yell at my kids any more. I hoped my house would be clean all the time and there would never be piles of laundry in my laundry room. I hoped to be a better friend, daughter, sister, mother, wife (not necessarily in that order) and thank-you-note writer. I guess I basically expected that reading all the way through the Bible would fix all of my problems.

It didn't! Imagine!

But it WAS an experience I wouldn't change and I am so glad I did it.

I knew just about all of the stories. I knew the major players. I'd read most of the Bible in bits and pieces before and had studied a lot of the books in depth. But there is something about reading a book cover to cover in a concentrated way that provides context I'd never had before. In fact, I'd say context was one of the first benefits I noticed, especially in the Old Testament when there's just a lot happening. I finally understand who goes with whom, why the events were happening, etc.

I was challenged. I folded a piece of binder paper into fourths and used that as a bookmark so that any time I had a question, I could write a verse with a question mark next to it. In fact, that bookmark is about to become my next Bible project: find those answers! What does this verse mean? What does it refer to? There were times I felt almost angry with God. Our God is no pansy, friend. He means business, and he is holy and righteous and just. I am whiny and pampered and when justice happens, sometimes it bites - ouch, God! Why did you do *that*?? My faith runs deep, though, and I know that I can trust Him even when it hurts.

I stand in awe. There are truly no words that will explain this one. You'll have to experience it yourself. To have read God's very words to me in a short amount of time and without really giving any feedback (filling in blanks, journaling etc.) - just listening - it provides a picture of God that is unparalleled. Everything means more now - worship, sermons, discussions with a friend.

I'm finally starting to get a picture in my head about what God's call might be on my life. Not the specific things as much as just having a more personal vision. I have mostly always filled the roles that are comfortable for me rather than the roles God might call me to. Watching as God called men and women out of their various circumstances and into a life He desired for them was inspirational and exciting! He will provide - I don't have to be enough or good at something or excited about it, I just have to listen and trust and obey.

Discipline has never been a strong suit for me. Reading the Bible in 90 days requires discipline. There were times I fell behind. Throughout the process, I never went more than two days without reading (a major feat!) but even 2 days puts you significantly behind. There was a point at which I was 13 days behind, because though I would read each day, I just wasn't prioritizing my day so that I could read enough. Reading the 12 pages required per day is a heck of a lot easier than catching up. There's my warning for those of you who might undertake this task. ;-)

And maybe the most meaningful thing that has happened is that I am hungering for God's Word in a way I really haven't before. Once you've read the whole thing and there aren't any scary, dark corners of the Word that have gone unexplored, it's more approachable. There were times I was thoroughly confused (hello Isaiah) and there were times I was surprised to have some sort of understanding (Revelation) but whatever the case, I have read every single word. And I can do it again! And again!

Ohhh girl. I am so excited. SO excited! About four chapters from the end, I teared up - partly in awe of my awesome redeemer, partly out of sheer excitement over reaching my goal. Gratitude, respect, fear - AM I one of God's chosen? Hunger, hunger, hunger - to really know him, to soak in His word, to memorize it.

To change.

The next BI90 starts on July 11. I hope you'll join me!

Super quick update on BI90

2011-03-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take the time to write an actual post on Bible in 90 Days and what the experience has been like for me once I'm officially done. For now, here's my comment to my reading group about where I am today:

AAAAAAAAAAAAA Cannot BELIEVE how close we are to the end! I was hoping to be caught up by today but I'm 5 days behind as of right this minute. It's ok though - God graciously provided a very open week for me to read, and I am just *soaking up* the NT! Ohhh it's ever so much more beautiful to read after all that OT law and wrath and terror! Thank you God for sending your Son! Thank you Jesus for making a way! Thank you Paul for heeding God's call on your life! What a blessing this is!!!!

Can you feel my excitement? :-D

Melancholy

2011-02-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Grief is weird. It doesn't move along at a proper pace like most things do. It clips along and then juts forward, falls back a step, spins in a circle, takes you up a mountain and plummets you into a ditch. I guess as it's whirling about, though, it does move forward. There's definitely hope down the road, evidence of healing as time passes.

It makes me think, too, about the way I see myself and my role in my little community. When I feel sad I don't want to leave my home. I was thinking earlier about why that is, and realized that it has a lot to do with feeling like I have nothing to offer. Which of course made me wonder what I thought the world needed from me.

Anyway, feeling a little melancholy over here. Sickness in our home for over two months now has played tricks on my sanity. I'm still a wife and mom but in a way it feels like life is passing me by. No church, no AWANA, no gym . . . just the very necessities like grocery shopping and kids' sports.

So enough of my whining. My smart, thinking, maturing, turning-into-a-man Malachi came along on Canaan's photo shoot. Little did he know that Miss Davi would snap some pictures of his sweet face too. I'm really looking forward to Malachi's actual Birthday Shoot in April, but until then, here's a sneak peek:

The real tale

2011-02-21T22:51:00.000-08:00

First of all, if you read me in a reader, please click over and see the new design! Same old blog, fancy new updated look! A HUGE thank-you to Barbie for designing the header and framed pics of the kids over there to the right. I love it!!

By the way, this is totally the look I'm going after for my home. That robin's egg blue (or whatever we might call it) really makes me happy. Add in some red and some pink and it just feels so me!

So what I really came here to tell you is the real story behind the amazing pictures Davi took. I have known Davi online for some time now, but hadn't met her in person. Well. Miss Davi was every bit as sweet and fun in person as I knew she would be, but I really could not have made a worse first impression if I had tried to.

The first thing was the money. It was tucked neatly into a zippered pocket in my purse that morning, but when I reached for it to pay Davi, it was gone. I panicked. Big time. Where in the *world* could that money have gone? I called Alif to see if any of the kids at home knew about the money, and he was quiet. Very quiet. Finally, he sheepishly admitted to having taken it out himself. "What? WHY??" He really had no explanation - I guess it was just kind of a joke, he said. A joke. Huh.

Davi wasn't worried about the money, thankfully, and we went ahead and got started. My precious Canaan, Mister Very Sweet Somebody, was awful. I mean, there just aren't words to describe how ridiculously obnoxious he was. I will try.

~ He ran away from us. I don't think I've had a child run from me anywhere ever, but Canaan ran.
~ He was completely contrary. If Davi said for him to show her his cute smile, he'd cover it with his hands. If she told him to peek through the boards, he dropped to the ground so we couldn't see him at all. Etc.
~ He was obsessed with a big (and not very photogenic) hole and simply would not leave it alone.

Oh friends, it was just mortifying. There was basically nothing I could do. My hands were tied, and boy did he know it. He took full advantage of the situation.

It was one of those moments in parenthood when you just know God is teaching you something. Can you guess what he was teaching me? Yeah - pride. It's not a good thing. My kids are really awesome people. They really are. I get comments everywhere I go with them about what wonderful children they are, and every time someone says something I'm so thankful. I know that in the blink of an eye it could all go horribly wrong. One child might say something annoying to another, or someone might interrupt me 10x in 30 seconds - you know what I mean. Kids are just unpredictable. But generally speaking, they're just really good kids. This situation with Canaan and the Pictures was humbling. So, so humbling.

But despite his insanity that day, the pictures are just adorable. Even the "outtakes" are pretty darn cute.

I should have seen from the start that we were in for Trouble! Look at that rascally smile.

Ooooh! A hole! What lives in there, Mommy? Is it big? Will it bite me?

A high-five to the person who guesses what nasty thing was going on here. A mother of boys will guess it, I'm betting. And yeah, he learned this from a certain older brother. Nice.

Can you smell it? Hee hee hee! (Oh, I just gave you a clue to the previous photo's basis)

No really, I want to get IN that hole. I just know there's something fantastic in there.

See this dirt clod, Mommy? I'm going to pelt it at you from above so you have dirt in places the public isn't privy to.

See those two scars on his bottom lip? He rolled off my bed when he was littler. There was a lot of blood.

So. I'm not even going to tell you the moral of the story. I think you already know.

And thank you again, Davi, for your extreme patience.

Canaan is Four

2011-02-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

Have you met Davi at Little Band of Brothers? Her family photography is so amazing that I contacted her to see if she would be willing to take pictures of Canaan. She was willing! Yippee! Just wait until you see how precious and beautiful they are . . .

How old are you, Canaan?

Who can separate a boy and his dirt clods?

This is Alif's favorite - Canaan daydreaming.

Just absolutely beautiful, aren't they? And tomorrow you'll see the story behind the story . . .

He cared enough to hurt for us

2011-02-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

My sister is losing her baby today. She is 9 weeks pregnant but the baby has no heartbeat and this baby will not grow before our eyes, but in Heaven instead. My stepsister delivered her son as a 24-week preemie on February 3rd. He lived until February 8th.

We are all grieving. Devastasted. Lonely for babies we thought would fill our arms in just a few short months.

As I pray for my sisters, think of them, talk to them, I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could make this not be happening. I wish I could make it all go away. I can't, so then I wish I could heal their hurt. I wish I could bear some of it for them.

And for the first time it occurs to me that our Jesus went to the cross in part to ease our pain. He didn't want to suffer and die, but he did want to take away our sins. I think it's safe to assume that as he did suffer, his perfect love for us meant that he was more than just willing. I think he ached to provide a solution for us.

There's nothing I can do to take away my sisters' pain, but I am so thankful that we serve a Savior who loves us enough to take it all on his very back so that we can live.

Worst Valentine's Ever

2011-02-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

Updated to add: June thought Alif was pretty lame too.

No, not this year. This year's was sweet and cute and family-oriented and fun. But my favorite blogger of all time, June at Bye Bye Pie, asked us what was our worst Valentine's ever and when I wrote out my response, I thought I should share it here too. Feel free to laugh at my expense.

When now-dh and I had been dating 2 or 3 years, he threw me a most fantastic Valentine's celebration. He cleared out one room and made into a full-blown Valentine extravaganza with handmade crafts, a romantic candlelit table, love music playing etc. He made us a fancy, delicious dinner and acted all romantic, pulling my chair out for me and the like. He gave me a couple of gifts during dinner and FINALLY dessert time came, and we had stars in our eyes, we were just so blissed out, and I KNEW, I knew he was going to propose. Finally.

And sure enough, he passed over a very small jewelry box and said, "this is for you," looking so pleased with himself and excited and nervous. I opened it to find . . . a clock. A tiny, gold, engraved clock.

Mine is actually very sleek and simple. It's about 1" tall and 1" wide.

What. the. heck?? I cried and he thought I loved it and then I really REALLY cried and it was just flat-out awful. That beautiful celebration turned into our biggest fight ever and I went home sobbing. I don't know what was worse, his retardedness or my severe overreaction to the disappointment. A couple years later we got engaged and life is now great. Despite the clock.

Happy 4th Birthday Canaan!

2011-02-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

You may be only four, but you're a superhero to me!

Sometimes

2011-02-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's not the really great pictures that make me smile. Sometimes it's just the capturing of the ordinary and knowing that years down the road, I'll be so glad I did.

Fill in the Blank Friday

2010-12-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

If you'd like to participate or read more, head on over here!

I wish I had the energy that Alif does. And that I could speed up the weight-loss process. ;-)
Yesterday I went to WIC, took my car to the shop, went grocery shopping as a whole family - FUN! - and went to the gym.
Today I woke up late after a late night last night, went to the gym, met with our resource teacher and made lunch. Later we'll go to Target and decorate the Christmas tree, and catch up on our Jesse Tree devotionals. (Is devotionals a word or should it be devotions? Hmm.)
Tomorrow i will watch Malachi play soccer and pray for my brother-in-law who is GRADUATING COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe someday I will be an excellent housekeeper.
Someday I will hopefully have tons of grandbabies and sons and daughters in law who love me.
I love God, my awesome husband, my children and family and friends, internet connection, breastfeeding, going to the gym, being creative and laughing. And food. ;-)

ebeanstalk.com review

2010-12-09T21:59:00.001-08:00

Check out my review of www.ebeanstalk.com here. :-)

Beach Trip 2010

2010-12-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

Once a year my Dad rents a big ol' beach house and we all pile in - my family, my sister's family and my Dad & his wife Georgia. It is amazingly fun and a wonderful way to bond and create tradition and memories for my kids. If you're not into complete photographic overload, feel free to step away now. ;-)

I'd never noticed a playground near the beach, but there it was - such a cute one, too! We spent an hour or so there and let the kids run off some energy. (I should have joined them - I came home having regained 5 of the 12 pounds I had lost! Ooops!)

Love - my - nephew!! GORGEOUS!

Also love my brother-in-law Jason, who completely took my kids under his wing when Alif was a day late in joining us. We love you brother!

This may well be on our Christmas card this year, so if you and I are address-buddies - sorry to spoil it. But how cool is this tree? We each noticed, one by one, how it has a cross on top. :*)

See this beautiful beach access? Well, one morning Malachi and I went on a walk - a fast, fitness-style walk. We went down and up each and every beach access. Whew!! When we were down one of them, I was wishing I had my camera to capture Malachi, so I suggested we pretend to take pictures of each other. I was taking a darling one of Malachi when he goes, "WATER! WATER!" In a couple seconds I was soaked up to my knees. Oops! High tide! LOL

No, it was not warm enough for this - but they were having so much fun!

Caris & Malachi got out pretty deep. It was so heartwarming to watch because when a wave would come and knock Caris over, Malachi was right there to help her back up. Sweet brother!!

Canaan tried to boogie board after watching Malachi. He'd set it up like this, get on and stand there. Finally he came over and said, "I get on and nothing happens. It just stays right there."


There is just no place I am more at peace than at the beach. Add some music and some yoga, and it's totally over the top!

Graham worked long and hard to make this huge hole - pool - whatever it is.

For you, Mom. Mr. Shiny.

Graham's 11!

2010-12-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

I think it's a very good idea to take pictures of the Birthday person at EXACTLY the time they were born however many years ago. Here's what Graham looked like the moment he turned 11 years old this morning at 8:15am.

Ok first of all, how nice am I that I didn't rouse him from a peaceful slumber so I could get his cute face on film? And second, how weird is he that he sleeps in this mummified state? Not long after this picture the kitchen aromas woke him up and he joined us for cinnamon rolls, orange juice and the actual breakfast he had requested, bean and cheese omelets. Alif had to get Malachi off to soccer practice so I wrapped Alif's omelet in a big tortilla and he was so happy about his bean and cheese breakfast burrito. ;-)

Later we got the house all ready for the big event: The Duct Tape Party. Graham is totally duct-tape obsessed so this was a dream come true for him. He has been working for 3 days straight, doing nothing else, making items out of duct tape for all of his friends who would be coming to the party. He made wallets, bows, one-dimensional balloons for party decorations, a real working checkers board, duct tape flowers.

I, in turn, provided the duct tape. Oh - also green and yellow party supplies (his favorite colors). And I made him a duct tape cake, which actually made him laugh and laugh. Dude! He is not a child who gets outwardly excited. His laughing and laughing was a BIG DEAL, man! He L O V E D it. LOVED.

We totally covered the cake plate in black duct tape too. This was such a fun party!!

He had a ball opening his gifts and told me later that it was such an awesome party and he got everything he asked for.

And the only time I even came close to losing it was when I saw him sitting there with a cake in front of him that said "11". What I wouldn't do to snatch one of those 1s off and have him turning 1 again. But dang, he's a neat kid. Happy Birthday, sweet boy! Mommy loves you!

Dear Graham 2010

2010-12-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

11 years ago today I thought I might be in labor, even though it was one week before my due date. I was - you were my only baby to come early! You were born 12/4/99, face-up and purple, but healthy as can be. 7 pounds 12 ounces and 21 inches of pure bliss. You were an easy baby right from the start, son. You seriously slept pretty much every minute of the day - to the point that I became worried and asked the doctor if it was normal. He said you'd wake up around two weeks, and you did.

Until this year, I haven't had a terribly difficult time with any of your Birthdays, Graham. With a brother 20 months ahead of you, I've been prepared each time. At one I thought I would fall apart, but other than misty eyes, I was really just excited to see you smash your first cake and loved watching you take your first steps - to Papa, for some Cheetos.

All this time I've seen you as my baby. I know, it's kind of weird since I've had two babies since I had you, but you were my baby for 3.5 years after Malachi, and you just sort of always held that place in my heart.

But now? At eleven years old? It's undeniable. You're growing up. I long for the days that our days were spent reading books, nursing, cuddling with fuzzy, doing crafts, going to storytime.

But at the same time, precious, my heart leaps to see you grow. This year has been absolutely incredible. We found out that you have a special set of skills and personality traits known as Asperger's, and we're all understanding one another so much more now. You met a counselor and bonded with him from the very first meeting, and several months in to counseling and neurotherapy, I feel like I'm getting my Grammy back. You talk to us more, you enjoy life more, you're more confident, and you're making friends!

You are brilliant. You are creative and sensitive and hilarious. You are generous and giving and your sense of justice is amazing. I am so proud of you, son. I love you. I LOVE you!

Happy Birthday, Nay-nay. You're mama's big boy!

Fill in the Blank Friday

2010-12-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

Holiday spirit I'm always a little saddened by the commercialism associated with Christmas. At the end of the Macy's parade at Thanksgiving, Matt Lauer said, "And now the REAL hero of the season - SANTA CLAUS!" I couldn't believe my ears, but that's just what Christmas means to a lot of people. To me and my family, Christmas is primarily a celebration of Jesus' birth - a time to be deeply grateful to a God who loved us so much that He sent his very SON to die for us. WOW.
The holidays are incomplete without lights, baking smells, gifts, Christmas music and my family
my favorite things to do around the holidays are listen to Christmas music and make neat memories with and for my children
A holiday tradition my family and i have is decorating the tree together over hot chocolate and Christmas music, reading the story of Jesus' birth many times over, church Christmas musical, watching Christmas specials on TV, and time with family
Holiday music is absolutely awesome - but ONLY after Thanksgiving is over!!
This year, I'll be spending the holidays with family as usual
Holiday wish list camera, workout clothes, gift cards etc (hey wasn't this a question last week too lol) Make sure to go see more FITBF entries here!

Fill in the Blank Friday - a day late

2010-11-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

Remember to go see more Fill in the Blank Friday entries here!

1. Black Friday is a great day to get amazing deals - we usually either start or finish our shopping on Black Friday! And by we, I really mean Alif. God bless him!

2. Christmas shopping this year will include the usual - gifts for family and a few close friends!

3. Holiday shopping makes me excited. But we keep it very simple, so it's not terribly overwhelming.

4. This year my Christmas list will include a griddle, which we already ordered online for an awesome price, workout clothes & shoes, gift cards to iTunes, Target and fabric stores, and any fun girly things!

5. Bargain hunter, or full price shopper? Bargain for sure, though I have very little patience, so if I really want something and have the money, I'll go ahead and pay full price.

6. The best and worst things about shopping is the high I get from shopping and getting new stuff. It's silly but true.

7. Online shopper or in-person shopper? Both. I like the ease of shopping online, and the excitement associated with waiting for The Truck to arrive, but I get annoyed with the limited options online - I like to just scan around the store and get the big picture and not feel like I'm missing out on something just because I didn't click the right category.

I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart!

2010-11-26T12:59:00.000-08:00

I was stressed out yesterday. I was hosting Thanksgiving, and I had a cold, and on top of that, I'd been out of town for the previous 4 days. I didn't really feel up to all the preparations - the cleaning, the cooking, the decorating. But most of all, I didn't feel capable. My Mom, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law - all of the women who would be coming to my house, they all know how to put on a serious shindig. They all have lots of decorations, lots of style and boy do they know how to make a party special! I felt seriously inadequate.

God kept whispering to me, though, that I needed to be content with what I do have and that a warm welcome means more to my guests than gorgeous decor does.

The kids enjoyed their meal . . .

. . . and so did the adults! Look at my Mom smiling, at my mother-in-law enjoying herself! My Mom brought that leaf garland and my mother-in-law loaned me the white tablecloth.

Alif & Graham set up a really cute candle display inside the fireplace, and it made things so cozy. We adults sat around the table and played Phase 10, ate pie (and more pie), laughed loudly and finally, after we sent our guests into the chilly night . . .

. . . we rested.

Fill in the Blank Friday

2010-11-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

My friend Raquel has been doing these and it looks like fun, so here goes! Go see more here.

My Thanksgiving plans this year will include our annual beach trip with my Dad & sister (and the whole family), then it's our year to be with Alif's family on Thanksgiving Day so we'll see what we end up doing on that day.
My favorite Thanksgiving was any Thanksgiving spent with my maternal grandparents at their home at the beach. The memories I have from those holidays are priceless!
My signature thanksgiving dish is the deep-pit turkey that Alif actually makes. ;-)
My favorite Thanksgiving food is the entire plate. Any one Thanksgiving dish isn't the same without buddies to back it up. Turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, green beans . . .
Thanksgiving free association turkey, indians and pilgrims, thankful heart, family
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, because we get all the family time, good food and talk talk talking, without the gifts
I am thankful for my Mom still here with us and healthy, my awesome husband and children, a very close extended family, my gym membership - many others, but most of all the love and compassion of my sweet Lord.

Evaluating

2010-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

If you blog, you've probably read lots of times about how important it is to evaluate why you're blogging, and let your answers dictate your blogging style and content.

I haven't really done that. It's funny when I think about it, how eclectic my entire life is. If I take a personality test, the results are usually some strangely clashing answer that indicates that I might be an unstable person. Trying to settle on a decorating style for my home is equally frustrating. Oooh, that French Country home is so lovely! Oh man, that funky modern one is awesome too! But wait, I love that "traditional with a twist" house!

Anyway, I've never really wrapped my mind about why I want to blog. Do I want to just preserve memories and have fun doing it? Do I hope to supplement my husband's income? I cringe at taking personality tests these days. The hope is gone that one will really peg me. My home goes basically undecorated because I can't even decide on colors, much less an actual style. And yeah, clearly my blog is suffering too.

But guess what? I have actually come to a conclusion in this matter! Are you ready?

I really just want to write.

Ta-daaa! That's my answer. I love to write. I started keeping a diary when I was a little girl and have kept one going ever since. Like I told my kids today, I was most prolific during junior high and high school, but sometimes still I just need to process, and I'm a visual learner, so seeing my thoughts in print is highly satisfying.

So. I'm sorry you can't ever know what to expect when you come here . . . but then again, maybe that's part of my charm. Ha! :-)

Exciting Afternoon

2010-11-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

The kids and I left the house at 4:40 - stopped for gas and then out to pick Alif up from dropping off his truck at the auto repair shop. On the way there I took my eyes off the road for a few seconds, looking in the mirror, and when I looked up I was FEET from a big blue car. I slammed on my brakes and stopped in time. Ugh!

We picked Alif up and were heading to take Malachi to his soccer practice. We stopped at a stoplight. The light turned green and I waited a couple seconds, started to go, looked both ways and saw a gray car blatantly running the red light - I mean, this was 3-4 seconds after it had turned red for her. I slammed the brakes (AGAIN) but the car to my right did not. The gray car slammed into the other car, taking off the whole bumper (which flew like 25 feet), then she kept right on going down the sidewalk, taking down a speed limit sign and coming to a stop on the sidewalk about 40 feet down. Thank God no one was walking there. Both people were fine, but gosh, what a mess. We pulled into a parking lot so we could go give them our number. The kids and I sat in the car while Alif walked over, and within a minute or two there was a fire truck, ambulance and 3 police cars. It took a while but Alif gave our numbers to the police officer and both drivers.

While we waited, there was a AAA van a few parking spots down changing a lady's battery. Alif got back in the car, I turned the ignition, and - yyyeah. Dead battery. We looked at each other and started cracking up, as did the AAA driver and the lady whose battery was dead. Darn if that AAA driver didn't come on down and give us a jump! LOL! Talk about nice!!

From there we dropped Malachi off at practice, 30 minutes late, went over to an auto parts store to get a battery - of course I couldn't turn the car off at all, and as time ticked by it was 6:25 and I could not wait one more minute to go get Malachi so I had to leave Alif there and go get Malachi. I didn't have my cell phone so I sent Graham and Caris in to tell him I was leaving. Picked up Malachi, went back to get Alif, stopped for McDonald's, and FINALLY got home at like 7:20. Canaan had been in his seat SOLID for almost 3 hours and hadn't complained once - oh man I was proud of him!

SO ridiculous. What an evening!! It totally made my night though when I put the kids to bed, went for my computer and there was a sticky note from Malachi that said, "Thank you for making today a fun day and thank you for helping me with my schoolwork. Oh yea, Good night!" :*)

A Typical Day

2010-10-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by a couple of friends to write up what our typical day looks like. I'll give the same disclaimer everyone else does, though: rarely does a day actually look just like this. It's just the general plan.

7:00 We're mostly up. This varies widely. Usually Caris is the first one up, but that varies, too. When we wake up we pretty much serve ourselves breakfast. Dad watches the news or kids watch a cartoon. Mom rolls around in the bed wishing there were a few more quiet moments. Kids join Mom in the bed and we tickle arms, talk about the day or what we dreamed about.

8:00 By now we're pretty much all awake and ready to begin our day. Sometimes Malachi is still in bed, and I happily leave him there until he's ready to get up. I shower, throw in a load of laundry and have the kids do their morning chores. I eat breakfast and check my e-mail/message board/facebook.

9:00 This is our official goal-time for starting school. We do an opening time and then off we go! AWANA first, then whatever each child's schedule is. I sit at the table or on the couch helping as needed. I'm needed almost constantly.

10:00 Time for a break! The idea is for us to all get outside for half an hour. I usually don't go. I need a Mom to make me go.

10:30-12 More schoolwork

12:00 Time for lunch and then playing, reading, whatever until quiet time

1-3 QUIET TIME! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Everyone but Malachi has quiet time in their rooms. Malachi reads, plays his video games, whatever is quiet and doesn't require me to have a conversation with him. I know, I am mean. I play online, clean, do my Bible study etc.

3:00 The Afternoon Blur begins. It's a total mishmash from here on out. There are afternoon chores that take us about an hour, usually at 4:00. There's play, schoolwork to finish up, dinner to start, laundry laundry and more laundry, Mom's cleaning time etc.

6:00 Wouldn't it be great if this was dinnertime? In my mind, it's dinnertime at 6. In reality, we're usually in the car at this point on our way to soccer, AWANA or some other destination. If we're home, this is when I would like for us to eat.

8:30 BEDTIME for everyone under age 12! Of course, half the time we're actually eating dinner or we're still at church or soccer or wherever, but if we're home, babies are in bed at 8:30. Bedtime routine goes: bath (not every day), story (not every day), praying, kisses, hugs and I love yous.

9:00 BEDTIME for Malachi.

And then it's Mom and Dad time. We watch TV, talk about our day and what's coming up, talk and talk and talk some more, and then when we're absolutely exhausted we finally go to bed. Usually I go first because I require a lot more sleep than he does.

Aren't we thrilling??

Still Waiting

2010-09-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

God promises us in His Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He also says that no father who loves his son neglects disciplining his child, and that likewise, He disciplines us.

IS HE EVER!!

I think I have never felt His discipline as acutely as I am right now. It came out of nowhere, and it just keeps - on - coming.

It's becoming comical, almost. Simply because there is no explanation other than knowing that my Father who loves me is weeding right now. My flowerbed of a life has lots of weeds, and He's a-pluckin'.

I never knew it could hurt so much. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww . . .

But oh, so faithful is He. So true is His love for me. So good are His plans for me.

So I'll keep on waiting!

Joy!

2010-09-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

But let all whotake refuge in Yoube glad,
         Let them ever sing for joy;
         And may Youshelter them,
         That those wholove Your name may exult in You.

Psalm 5:11

Have you ever battled your flesh during a hard circumstance? On the one hand, you feel sad and discouraged, but you know the truth, that in Christ there is joy in ALL circumstances.

How about this: have you ever thanked God for a trial that you're facing - while you're facing it? I think most of us can look back at trials and see how God worked in our lives and be grateful for the work He did in us, even if the trial itself was miserable, but thanking him right in the midst of it . . . that's not easy, friends.

I know. He's teaching me right this very minute! I don't like being in the middle of a yucky circumstance. I don't like feeling hurt. But I'll tell you what, feeling Him intensely - needing Him intensely - is pretty powerful. Seeing him change parts of me that need to be changed is exciting.

It's funny though how we ask God to change things for weeks, months, years - and then when He does, it's not at all like we envisioned. I prayed for the first 10 years of my marriage that God would make me a better homemaker, because my husband needs a neat and orderly home, and it just wasn't that important to me. I'm not sure exactly how I thought he would change that in me, but it sure isn't happening like I thought it would! Guess what He did? He changed my heart, and now when the house starts to get a little hairy, I start to feel a little harried. Yeah, you guessed it - he actually gave me a desire for a neat and orderly home! Who knew He'd do that??

He does this in so many arenas of our lives. We ask, He answers. Not always the way we think He will, and it sure isn't always pleasant, but His desire for our lives isn't that everything always feels just fantastic. His desire for our lives is that we are conforming to His will more every day. That we're buddying up to Him more every day. That we are more like Him every day.

So friends, when I tell you that you can trust your heart in His capable hands, it's true. I can't promise it will feel good when He chips off those rough edges, but I can certainly promise that His glory will shine through.

And that feels amazing.

When Deja Vu Falls Apart

2010-09-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Do you experience deja vu?

I do, and it's unnerving. It's not often - maybe a few times a year. But when it happens, it's right on the dot - I just stand there in sort of a daze, watching a scene unfold and knowing precisely what is going to come next. I know what each person will say, what sounds I'll hear, how I'll respond. It's bizarre.

But every time, there's that moment that it all starts to fall apart. When I don't know what's coming, or when what I think is coming isn't what happens at all, and nothing feels as familiar as it did a few seconds before.

Then I am both disappointed and relieved.

I am so thankful that I'm not the One who knows all things. Can you imagine? EVERY moment is deja vu for God. He knows exactly what we will say next. He sees every triumph and rejoices with us as it happens, and he anticipates every sadness and weeps with us then, too.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Being ok with being this and not that

2010-09-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

A long time ago - years - I was really into scrapbooking. I was pretty good at it, too. As I got better I began to seek out like-minded hobbyists and found a message board with lots of talented scrapbookers. They were SO talented, in fact, that many of them were and are the ladies behind the gorgeous, creative layouts you see in the scrapbooking magazines.

I got good feedback from those amazing ladies, and started to think that I could be one of them. I submitted a few layouts and didn't get published, and that was just fine. But the thing that started to happen is that every time I thought of scrapbooking, I couldn't get motivated. It became less about the delightful records I had been keeping for myself and my family and more about the talent side of it - is THIS a layout that could be published? Is this too boring? Is it creative enough?

Pushing myself to be among the top scrapbookers robbed me of the joy I had previously found just in the act of scrapbooking itself.

The same thing has happened to me with blogging, and I've only begun to recognize it.

As you well know, there is a WORLD of talented bloggers. Some are witty, some are funny, some are Bible scholars and gifted teachers, some are decorating or hair or makeup gurus who know all of the best ways to do those things. Most are talented photographers, and their posts are graced with magazine-quality photos.

That's a GOOD thing!

But man, trying to come up with a witty, poignant, interesting, scholarly post with amazing photographs to accompany it? Is not the reason I blog. When I reminded myself of that, the weight of the world was taken from my bloggy shoulders. I want to write good posts. I want to take beautiful photographs. I want you all to enjoy reading my blog.

But more than that? I want to look back at this and have memories that I will cherish always. The silly, cute, smart, amazing, horrible and awful things my kids do may not be the stuff of the Top 100 Blogs of All Time, but they're top in my heart, and I intend to blog much more often simply to keep them there.

Here's to less pressure!

Dairy-Free

2010-08-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

Poor Caris. She has allergy problems, and I'm not sure we even understand the extent of them. She has eczema that is completely miserable for her, and I am starting to wonder if dairy is causing it - or at least making it worse. On top of that, she complains about tummy aches regularly. For the last few nights it's been so bad she's been in tears.

I gave her a scale, 1-3, to try to explain how much it's hurting: 1 means it hurts a little bit but not enough to complain about it. 2 means it's bothering her and 3 means it hurts so much she comes to tell me about it. Only once today she's said it's a zero - I've asked her 3 or 4 other times and she's said 1 or 2. :-(

I told her yesterday that when I go to the grocery store this week, we're going to go dairy-free for her for a couple weeks and see if that helps. It's going to be a pain, but at least it'll give us some answers. I hope.

Where have you been all my life?

2010-07-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

I love makeup. Seriously, the other day Caris told me I should buy one makeup per day because it makes me so happy. If I could I sure would!!

I also love learning about makeup. I watch youtube videos about it, read magazine articles, whatever. In my makeup meanderings, I kept coming across cream blush. I always ignored anything to do with any sort of cream makeup, because I cannot STAND the feeling of something sticky or slimy on my face. I just kept imagining cream blush feeling like a thick lotion on my skin, and the thought - gross!

But. Maybelline Dream Mousse Blush (no, I am NOT being paid to say this ROFL) kept coming up so many times. And the final straw was a video that showed a girl putting on her cream blush with a regular makeup brush. Seriously? I don't have to put it on with my fingers? I always thought cream blush definitely had to be applied with fingers.

So I caved. And I went straight home, reapplied my powder, and brushed on my new cream blush.

:::beautiful harmonious Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh::::::::::

I love it!! It does NOT feel thick or greasy or anything like that. In fact, it feels just like powder once it's on. And it blends so pretty and natural and looks so dewy and fresh, even on my 35-year-old skin, and I looove you cream blush!!

Bible in 90 Days

2010-07-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Just my weekly check-in: I'm all up to date on my reading! Praise be to God!

And I'm sooooo happy to have moved from Leviticus and Numbers into Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel - ohhh the stories are so rich! Our God is so compassionate and awesome and wow - the Word is just so alive!

Join in!

Bible in 90 Days

2010-07-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

You're Invited!

Who: Anyone! Whether you've read through the Bible many times before or have never opened one in your life.

What: Read through the Bible, word by word, in its entirety, in 90 days.

When: I thought it would be a challenge to fit in the reading, but I have found ways to work it in to my day. Some days I read right when I wake up, especially if I'm awake before the rest of my clan. Right now I read during my kids' swim lessons, and despite the interruptions I do get quite a bit read during that time. I read during my kids' quiet time, here and there during the afternoon, and if I haven't finished before bedtime I'll read in bed.

Where: I think taking my Bible with me and reading it when I'm out and about could be a great springboard for discussion. Plus, it makes me conscious of how I am carrying myself. Am I smiling at people? Talking gently to my children? Being polite to others? Good things to be thinking about always but with a Bible in my hand, I feel extra compelled to be a loving person.

How: Start here. This site has great information, support and encouragement (not to mention personal mentors!).

This is the first time I'm posting a check-in post. I started four days late and I have to tell you, catching up was a bear. I really wanted to be at the same place as the others on the blog I posted above, so I did want to catch up. Now that I'm caught up, the daily reading is really manageable. I certainly have to be intentional about it, but I don't feel overwhelmed by it.

So far the biggest theme for me has been that we serve a mighty and powerful God. A lot of what I'm reading right now - Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy - is repetitive, full of customs and laws and numbers and well, to be honest it's just plain hard to read some of it. I have been keeping two things in mind as I read through this part of the Bible. First, that I think it will be so cool when I am in Heaven and I can actually talk to the people I've been reading about. Some names are only mentioned a few times, but I bet bet BET their stories are SO compelling! Like what about the 5 sisters asking for land so their father's name didn't die out? Can't wait to talk to THEM! There's just only so much in the Bible about each person, each family, and it will be awesome to see it all fleshed out and know the full story. Second, I was thinking about my kids' sports. If I listened to someone tell the story of a game, it would be mostly boring with some exciting highlights. But would I rather they just say, "We won 5 to 4." Heck no, I want to know every detail! It might take a while to hear it all, and I might get bored or aggravated during some parts of the story, but at the end of the day I'd rather know the details than just the bottom line. It's kind of like that in these parts of the Bible. I NEED to know the names, the genealogies, the numbers, the laws. It all paints a picture of who God is, who we are as His people, and the path we traveled to meet our Savior. It might be tedious to get through, but I want to know it anyway.

See you next Monday, Bible in 90 Days friends!

VBS 2010

2010-07-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

VBS is intense. I always help in the music room, so there are months of preparation, which really boil down to mad cramming the night before from Sunday through Thursday nights. Each day we teach the kids 1-3 new songs and each song has motions, so it's just a lot to learn. And a lot to DO all week. It's very taxing physically.

But oh, friends. There is no bigger blessing. The music is all designed to cement God's Word in little hearts, to reinforce the lessons they are learning in story time, memory verse, all the various stations they rotate through during the morning. And there is just nothing sweeter than children's voices singing God's Word, proclaiming their love for Him. I am not even kidding when I say that I tear up every single day of VBS. Sometimes many times during the day. I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to minister to our little ones, but even more thankful for the way they minister to ME. It's a spiritual refilling every time.

It was Canaan's 1st year being in a real, full-blown group that cycled full-time through all the stations. He did great and loved every bit of it! Graham's going into 5th grade, so he only has one more year as a VBS student after this year. Caris is smack-dab in the middle of things as a 2nd grader. And Malachi, my awesome 7th-grader, was a small group leader for the first time. He said, "they are really fun. And really tiring." Indeed, he napped several days that week. Those leaders work hard!

On Friday evening we have a program so the kids' families can all come and watch them sing their songs, say their verses, recap the stories they learned - it's such a sweet thing!

My camera has a crazy psycho flash so Canaan looks horrified, but he LOVED his leaders Grace and Christian.

This is not Graham being bored. It's Graham being uncomfortable. But even still, he sang and did the motions, when is a HUGE leap from just a couple years ago!

Daddy's Special Touch

2010-07-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

When I put omelets on the menu for our Sunday morning breakfast, I feel a little guilty. Because you know what actually happens?

1) I make ugly omelets that fall apart and just don't look right at all
2) I give up on omelets and just make an egg scramble
or, most commonly,
3) Alif takes over for me

He has a cute, funny, OCD way of doing things:

But his omelets are delicious. And gorgeous.

When I make the omelets, or the I-gave-up-egg-scrambles, we all eat them and enjoy them and it's fine. But a beautiful omelet no one can resist.

So it had to be documented, even if Alif thinks I'm a little goofy for doing so.

Tooth Trauma

2010-07-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday night was girls' night at Lynette's, and I looked forward to it all week. I packed up my crafts and started to get ready to go. The kids asked if they could walk across the street (to my in-laws', where Daddy was waiting for them to come eat dinner) and I said that they sure could.

A few minutes later Alif knocked at the bathroom door and said, "Your son smashed his mouth. Can you come help him?" I rolled my eyes and said, "I'm in the bathroom, Alif. Can you help him?" I gathered a wet washcloth and headed out to the dining room to see what was going on, expecting to see a bunch of blood trailing from a busted lip. I'm very experienced in busted lips. They hardly even faze me.

But there was no blood. There was Malachi, sitting calmly in a dining room chair with his hand covering his mouth. Alif was sitting in another chair, facing Malachi directly. He said, "Show your Mom your mouth." Oh dear, please not his teeth. Please not his . . . oh. Oh no.

Ohhhh NO. Thankfully, I kept myself calm. I asked if it hurt and he said it hurt a little bit. I told him I'd put a call in to the dentist and then give him some medicine. I reached the dentist's office's answering service, gave them our information, and they said a dentist would be calling me shortly. I gave Malachi some Motrin and suggested he put on a movie to keep his mind off things while we waited for the dentist to call back. I texted Lynette to tell her what was going on, and marveled that Malachi wasn't crying. Meanwhile, Alif gathered the tooth fragments and put them in milk.

In the next hour and a half, there was a lot of telephone and Facebook drama, but it basically boiled down to:
~my own dentist was completely unwilling to do anything except send us to the ER and/or call in a prescription. Fury ensued.
~friends recommended a local pediatric dentist
~talked to said dentist. Personally. Immediately, the first time I called.
~told the dentist what had happened to the tooth, and also that Malachi was scheduled to leave for camp the next morning.
~Mr. Wonderful agreed to meet us at his office in 20 minutes

Dr. S was absolutely amazing. He knew exactly how to relate to Malachi. He understood the importance of a 7th grader's church camp experience and how sucky-suckfest it would be to go to camp with a tooth broken half off. He *fixed the tooth*. Because the root was showing, he had to do a pulpotomy, and because Daddy was a genius, he was able to use part of Malachi's tooth fragments to fix the tooth.

It doesn't look perfect, but look! He has both front teeth! He wasn't in pain at all on Sunday morning and was so happy to be able to go to camp withOUT a broken front tooth. Of course there were explicit instructions to not bite into anything hard, which I basically translated as just don't bite into anything. I told him to cut things up and eat them that way rather than risk something happening to that tooth while he's at camp.

So. Broken teeth are a huge bummer, awesome dentists are a huge blessing, and I am one thankful Mommy - that it wasn't worse than it was and that in the end he received some really great care. By the way, Dr. S's office called first thing to check on Malachi. My own dentist's office? Not so much.

The Fear of Not Finishing

2010-07-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

I've always been a great starter. If you need an idea, a kick-start, I'm your gal.

I've *never* been a good finisher. I gogogogogo and then STOP HARD.

You can only imagine the bunches of arenas this causes problems in . . .
my weight
my homemaking
homeschooling
etc.

I am seriously gung-ho when it comes to all of these things. I have tables, lists, books, websites, notes, any manner of preparation and planning down 100%. I am really good at follow-through for a length of time. An hour, a day, a month - but eventually, I peter out.

What is the remedy? Seeking my all-knowing God and asking Him to guide my steps? Settling for less than my best and doing things just ok? Giving up altogether and living a mediocre life? Hmm. Thoughts welcome, especially from you Finishers!

4th of July flags

2010-06-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

It was my mother-in-law's Birthday yesterday, and I was lucky enough to have heard her hint at something she would like for her Birthday gift! She liked the buntings I made for Caris' party and commented about how cute they would be for the 4th of July. Oooh - good idea! I sewed a couple up for her Birthday and then today I made one for myself. I love how it looks hanging over my mantle!

Hiking

2010-06-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, because it's not like I'm in great shape, but hiking holds great appeal for me. Adventure, beauty, time with my family, exercise - it just all sounds like a fun way to spend time. It's taken me forever to do any research on the subject though, because it's just so HUGE. Where do we go? What do we take with us? How do we GET there?

Today was our day, baby! I said heck with all the research, let's just get out there. Let's go somewhere that we're familiar with and kick it up a notch.

Caris and Graham accompanied me. Canaan was too little, Alif was too Laker-obsessed, and Malachi was too disrespectful. Here are the two excited hikers at the mouth of the trail! (I know, in a few months I'll laugh at myself for all of my totally wrong terminology. Sorry, real hikers.)

The trail was nice and wide and very safe as long as we were careful, but I was a complete nervous Nellie the entire way down. "Sorry honey, Mama's just kind of nervous." "Watch yourself on this transition!" "Get over to the other edge!" I cannot believe my kids didn't complain. Or at least roll their eyes. LOL

On the way down Graham put his hand against the mountain and said, "Ohhh, I like this rock." I said, "Sit down and I'll take your picture by it. SIT. Graham, sit QUICKLY. Away from the edge!" Ack, I will have to really loosen up!

I told Graham it would be great if he took a picture of me so I could prove I was on the hike too. He laughed and said, "Yeah . . . like you just let us go down here alone and everything." LOL Alright, alright, true enough.

The way back up was a LOT harder than I'd anticipated. The kids did great but I had to stop for rest at least 5-6 times. Mama was wore OUT!

I was so proud of us when we finished! I told the kids so and Graham said, "How can you be proud of yourSELF?" I said, "Honey! I was a little scared and tired, but I did it, and I AM proud of that, and I'm proud of you guys too!" I asked the nicest man ever to take a picture of us.

We did it!! It was awesome. I can't wait to go again!

Fun in the park

2010-06-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

A friend posted on Facebook the other day that she needed a little park day. She suggested a park that's about a 15 minute drive from my house, and it's just amazing to me how natureish it feels to go there. We need to do this more often! Kids need to be out of their yards and into a place where they can run and climb and see animals and not worry about neighbors (ie a little yelling is ok) for a while.

Projects again

2010-05-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of hooked on making skirts for Caris. They're so cute on her! Plus, since Lynette inspired me to applique shapes onto t-shirts for her, I can make up a matching outfit (using stash fabrics and a purchased t-shirt) for under $5!

This is my favorite go-to hairdo for her. French braid across the top to keep her growing-out bangs out of her face, to a ponytail, which I then braid, twist, curl or as shown here, put into a messy bun. Quick and sweet!

After the skirt was done she looked a little sad about wearing it. I wasn't happy about that but noticed that she was holding her Hello Kitty keychain notepad and asked if she wanted a belt loop on the skirt to hold it. She definitely DID, and the skirt became an instant fave.

Once the skirt was finished, Graham petitioned me for a bag like the tote I had made Caris the week before. We went through my fabrics and settled on a combination of denim, a surf print and a gray textured something or other. I asked if he'd like shorter handles on his tote - I figured it would look more boyish that way. He said no, that he wanted to be able to carry it like his "green bag" (a VERY old military style messenger bag). Duh, why hadn't I thought about making him a messenger bag?

He said he wanted a "G" on the front and that he wanted it to be frayed. I am so happy with the way it turned out!

1st-time baseball

2010-05-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

Canaan has been so excited for baseball season to start! He's watched his siblings - well, mainly his brothers - play so many sports and he's been itching for his turn. He's in luck! T-ball has started up at last. His first practice was last week, and I ate up all the cuteness.

Ohhh my gosh, baby boys stretching?? Is this not THE CUTEST??

Alif is his coach, which is probably at least part of the appeal - you know how Canaan loves his Daddy!

First try he hit the tee, second try he sent it flying. GOOD JOB BUDDY!! RUN! RUN! RUUUNNNN!

YES!! You're on first! Woo hooooo!! . . . oh . . . wait . . . you spied Mama. And Mama's lap looked a LOT cozier than the windy, rainy field. Who could blame you? :-D

Projects

2010-05-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

I tell you what, I have not sewn in a while! I have so many fabrics, most of which aren't my style any more, and just so many sewing supplies all-around that are unorganized, that embarking on a simple project takes way more effort than I have the energy for. Once I get going though, the creative juices start to flow and I go on a sort of sewing binge.

The first projects were for this little cutie:

I started with this ballet tote. She'd been asking me for a while to make her a ballet bag. I assumed she would want a sort of backpack, but when I showed her a few she said that she had a bag in her head and that it was pink and it had two shoulder straps and her name and ballet shoes on the front. Well hey, that's easy! I found a tutorial and set to work. The embroidery on the front took a while but I'm so happy with the way it turned out.

I had a really hard time with the fabric combo on this one, so I ended up using a mish-mash of fabrics Caris liked. Here's the back:

Here's the front when you flip it inside-out:

After the tote was finished I sewed up a couple of skirts. Here's one . . .

She loves it! Yay! Sewing for children is the BEST. They get excited about it, they know exactly what they want, and it always looks adorable on them.

Graham got in on the photo shoot action. Pretty soon all four kids were doing somersaults and handstands all over the yard.

Here's another project that came together easily - a baby gift for my friend Chelsea's baby boy:

The front of the blanket is unbleached something-or-other and soft brown flannel. The back is a gorgeous green-gray fine-wale corduroy that makes me want to take a nap. The patchwork binding turned out really cute, but next time I'll avoid denim and corduroy in a patchwork binding. My machine didn't sound super thrilled with the many, many layers - especially around the corners. Anyway, a couple of cute monograms for the blanket and onesie made this a special gift that baby will surely enjoy.

A couple more finished projects to come once I upload pictures!

Swagbucks

2010-05-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Like you, I'm sure, I kept seeing Swagbucks mentioned all over the blogosphere. I'm not quick to jump into new programs because some of them can be very time-consuming and despite the promises, not offer much in the way of actual payout. So I watched from the sidelines and finally, toward the end of March, I jumped in.

Since March, I have accrued $35 in gift cards to Amazon while spending virtually no extra time on the computer. Here are my tips, in case you'd like to join too. (Disclaimer: that link will give me credit for your joining, and I will earn along with you for your first 1,000 swagbucks.)

1) Join! It's free, quick and easy.

2) Search like you would with Google, but instead, use your Swagbucks search engine. It's my default search engine in my browser, so any time I need to learn about something I just search it through Swagbucks. A few times a day, a happy little box pops up, telling me that I earned points for my search. Yippee!

2) Download the Swagbucks toolbar. It's not a big deal. It will put a small toolbar at the top of your browser and you can use it to search, it shows the running total of how many Swagbucks you have, and you can also receive mail from The Swag Guy (TSG) with codes you can enter at swagbucks.com for extra points.

3) Subscribe to the Swagbucks blog. Codes are often posted on the blog.

4) Subscribe to the Swagbucks Twitter feed. Same thing - contests and codes are posted there.

5) Join the Swagbucks Facebook page. You can get help there from experienced Swagbucks users to help you with any questions you might have. Also, if you check the Facebook page and see lots of "thanks TSG!" messages, you know there's a code posted somewhere. (See #s 2-4.)

6) Pretty much every website I visit, I go through swagbucks. This adds a couple seconds to the process, that much I'll give you. Instead of just typing www.oldnavy.com into my browser, I'll type Old Navy into the Swagbucks search bar, then click on the Old Navy official site. It's the same as doing a search, and it's probably how I get the most points, just because I visit Facebook 18,921 times per day and well, I'm bound to get some search points for at least a couple of those visits.

7) There are TONS of prizes available, but it seems like the general consensus is that the $5 Amazon gift cards are among the best. You can use them all at one time if you want to, unlike some of the other gift cards available. I'm planning to use mine for Christmas goodies. Right now I'm averaging a $5 gift card about every 7-10 days. Not bad for just using the internet as usual!

Asperger's

2010-04-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I only feel like "ugh, Asperger's sucks" when Graham's having a Really Bad Day. This means he is annoying everyone, having very little impulse control, taking forever to do the smallest tasks, fighting every single transition (what, wearing the same shirt 4 days in a row isn't okay? oh, it's time to leave - let me use the restroom, gather my belongings, walk around the house, anything but actually head toward the door). Things that make *my* life hard. Things that make the other kids' lives hard.

Tonight was another "ugh, Asperger's sucks" moment but for a completely different reason. We drove Malachi to a friend's house to spend the night, and a few minutes into the ride home Graham said, "I wish I had someone to invite me to sleepovers and parties." :*(

If only I could just will other children to see Graham the way I see him! If only they could see how creative he is, how generous, how brilliant. If only they could draw him out and hear his funny stories. I know that God will bring someone along who will understand Graham, because I have prayed from before my kids were born that they would have Godly friends. I know God wants Graham to have fellowship with the saints, so I absolutely know He will not leave Graham without real fellowship. I just wish I knew if that will ever include a friend outside our family.

We talked a little bit about how we might be able to develop some friendships. We talked about "the best way to have a friend is to be one" and discussed some easy conversation starters. Caris counted out loud the friends she has made at her enrichment classes and Graham asked her how does she do that. LOL She said, "I ask them if they'd like to play with me and they say yes." He said, "where are you when you do that?" I told him maybe he could talk to someone who's sitting near him and gave him some ideas about what he might say.

To further my heartbreak, when I put the kids to bed and Graham prayed, he said, "Dear God, thank you for our day today and that Malachi gets to spend the night with (his friend)." *Wow*. To have a hurt about something lacking in one's life and then to be so thankful that one's brother does have that thing? THAT is the Graham *I* know.

Prepare for Immaturity

2010-04-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Ok - read this in a 3-year-old's most awful whiny voice:

Caaaanaaaan doesn't liiiiike meeeeee!

Alright. I'm exaggerating. A LITTLE. But let me tell you my little story.

All 3 of my older kids preferred me. Totally and completely. Alif is an AMAZING Daddy, and they all loved him (still do LOL) and enjoyed playing with him and everything, but if Mommy was available, Mommy it would have to be. They cried when I left them. They wanted me when they were hurt. They cuddled with me when it was cuddle time.

NOT CANAAN!!

I used to joke around that once Canaan was done nursing he'd want nothing to do with me. Ehhh - yeah, I was right. When Alif's gone, he likes me just fine. We play, I read to him and he loves it, he asks if he can help with dinner, we go on walks - you know, life as usual. But the moment Daddy's home, even when Canaan hears him pull up, it's all over. He follows his Daddy around every single minute. If he gets hurt, he goes to Daddy. If I leave to go somewhere, he's like, "don't let the door hit you on your way out!" Ok, thankfully he doesn't say THAT, but his attitude does! If I jokingly say, "who's the best, Mommy or Daddy?" then I instantly regret asking because the answer is always clear, and it's not in my favor!

Now one thing I do have goin' for me is that I'm apparently great to snuggle with in the night. When he climbs into our bed in the wee hours he usually heads straight for the mama and clings tightly till morning.

When the older kids were little, I would often wonder if it hurt Alif's feelings that the kids so preferred me. He would always assure me that it didn't, but he continued to make valiant efforts to win their affections. I guess it was high time he earned it. It only took him four kids!

It's Official

2010-04-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

During the fall of last year I started to suspect that much of the drama in our lives was being caused by Asperger's Syndrome. I read a website about it and much of what I read made me think of Graham.

I jumped through hoops, read online, read books, talked to friends, prayed, and finally met with someone who assessed Graham and agreed that he did have AS. In fact, she heartily agreed. Nonetheless, she scheduled an appointment for us to see a psychiatrist who specializes in Asperger's and who comes to town one day a week to do assessments.

Today was the day. We met with Dr. M for about an hour or so. He talked to Graham, asked he and I questions, went through a couple of assessments and there it was, he officially diagnosed Graham with Asperger's Syndrome.

Now what? Well, we'll hopefully have some therapy sessions, and I'll do more reading and praying and loving my boy. And some days I will lose my mind and worry and yell and do all the wrong things.

And on Tuesday nights and then again on Saturdays I will watch the new NBC show Parenthood, because I love it and because the story features a child with Asperger's and BOY can I relate to what they talk about!!

Life sure throws us some curveballs, doesn't it?

52 Books in 52 Weeks: The Glass Lake

2010-04-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Alright. So you read my glowing review of Echoes and I pledged to name my future daughter, should there be one, Maeve. I loved it that much. And indeed, there have been several Maeve Binchy books that I have loved.

I guess if I'd read The Glass Lake before I read Echoes, I'd have loved it at least as much. Or maybe if I'd waited a few years to read The Glass Lake after having read Echoes. Here's the thing: The Glass Lake? Is almost exactly like Echoes.

Both novels feature young girls who grow up and overcome the odds. I won't give away details because truly, both books are worth reading, but there are A LOT of similarities between the books. It's like she had a formula and just plugged in a few different names and life circumstances and ta-daaaa, the publishers were happy. Sigh.

At the same time though, The Glass Lake IS a good book and the storyline IS compelling and I AM glad I read it. And I did start YET ANOTHER Maeve Binchy book a few days later, which I'm in the middle of now. If I have to read about one more person pulling pints I am going to pull out my hair. It's time for a break from Binchy!

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Something Borrowed

2010-04-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin is not the type of novel I normally pick up. I think it was the adorable cover that grabbed me. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to choose books this way, but I couldn't help myself. Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable book. It's very modern and trendy and there's pretty much only one storyline throughout the entire book, but I found myself looking forward to seeing what would happen next. It wasn't a super page-turner, but I did finish it in a few days. And - uh, went right to Paperback Swap and ordered the sequel. ;-)

Cowboy Kitty

2010-04-06T22:22:00.001-07:00

UPDATE: He's home!!!!!!!!! I said to Alif tonight (Wednesday) "Be sure you look outside for Cowboy before you go to bed" and opened the door to look myself, and THERE HE WAS!!! Oh praise God!! Thank you so much for praying!

When Malachi was three, and we knew he was absolutely, 100%, undeniably and reliably potty-trained, we took him to PetSmart and let him choose a kitten. There were 3 black kittens with silver undercoats, and we picked one that seemed confident. And ok, adorable. He was teeny-weeny and so incredibly cute! Malachi named him Cowboy. Is that the sweetest cat name ever or what?
Look how he loved him!
Fast-forward some years and here's Canaan loving on not-so-little Cowboy . . .
Cowboy has been well seasoned and can sleep under almost any circumstances.
But he's most often found in the arms of this little girl:
Caris is usually the first one awake and the first thing she does is find Cowboy and give him a little dog food. She's convinced that Cowboy is the only cat in the world who likes to eat a little dog food first thing in the morning. ;-)

Kitty Cowbs? Is pretty patient. He has never nipped at any of the kids, even though they play with him A LOT.

Caris took this picture a couple months ago because she thought it was so darn funny how it looked like Cowboy was about to drink her tea.

And now the other shoe drops. We haven't seen Cowboy since Sunday night.

Yesterday I was worried. We looked everywhere. We put cat food out, called his name, looked with a flashlight . . . no kitty.

Today I am sick, I'm so sad. My stomach has been hurting a good part of the day - that awful knotted feeling. We made up LOST CAT posters and put them around the neighborhood. We walked around looking for him and even over to our old house in case he might have gotten scared and wandered back over there. No kitty.

We drove the neighborhood several times looking for him. Driving past those LOST CAT signs with pictures of OUR CAT on there? Is very, very sad.

And tonight I realized that we haven't seen our cat in two days, and I really miss him. He's a big part of our lives. He's in and out of our house a dozen times a day. He sleeps on Caris' bed. He is part of our family. We love him. The kids seem ok, surprisingly, but Mommy has had several ugly cries over this situation.

Oh, I hope our kitty comes home!!

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Echoes

2010-03-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, Maeve Binchy. *Almost* everything I read by her makes me swoon. If God gives me another little girl ever, may I name her Maeve. I LOVE her writing.

Echoes didn't disappoint. It was a little slow-going in the beginning, but didn't take long at all until I was falling in love with the characters. Especially the main character Clare. (There's a little trivia for you - we allllmost used Clare as Caris' middle name but went for Colleen instead, after my Mom and sister.)

Here's what I really love in a book:

Writing that makes me FEEL. I like to laugh, cry, hurt, enjoy - I like to be really involved and invested in what I'm reading. Maeve Binchy has a gift for making you feel as though you know her characters personally, so you really do care about what's going on in their lives.

I like to feel like what I'm reading is real. Not real like a documentary or a biography, but not contrived is what I'm saying. I like for situations and feelings amongst the characters to develop in a believable way.

It's awesome when the pace and length of the book are perfect. Echoes is not a tiny short book, but it's not exceedingly long, either. When I noticed that I was moving back in the book and had only about 20 pages left I started to despair. Oh no! The book's almost over! Two days out from finishing the book, I can say I'm glad she left off where she did. Right when I finished I was a little angry with her. ;-)

I expect good writing. I expect to read something I feel impressed and awed by. I want the author to know things I don't. In other words, I like to enter into someone else's world and think - oh, that's a cute saying! Or wow, how did she know that?? Maeve Binchy lives in a different culture than I do so part of this is easy for her but part of it is just that she's a dang good writer.

I like to identify with the characters. I don't know if everyone would feel this way, but I just loved Clare. I wanted to be a little more like her. I wanted to speak more like she did, know just what to say and how to handle life's irritations. As I read, I prayed that I'd become a person with more grace and fortitude.

I like a book to affect me! It's great fun once in a while to just plain read a silly little book, but it's wonderful to read something that changes who I am in a slight way, even if just in the way I perceive something.

. . . off to see what I haven't yet read by Maeve Binchy and get my hands on it!

I'm working on Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy and oh, it's labor compared to Maeve Binchy. GIVE ME THE BINCHY.

Canaan's Sick

2010-03-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

I should have known three days ago. I told Canaan no about something (I forget what) and it made him so upset that he ran upstairs to cry. I went up to check on him literally less than 5 minutes later and found this:
Two days ago the kids and I were doing some schoolwork in the early evening and I couldn't hear Canaan. I called him . . . and then again, more loudly. No response isn't typical, so I went to check on him and found him like 4 feet from me on the couch like this:
Yesterday I put him down for a nap, just like every day. 9 days out of 10 now he doesn't nap at all but plays with his toys in his room and has "quiet time". It's not always quiet. Anyway, yesterday I was reading him a book and he just flat-out fell asleep mid story. Not the norm. When I got him up from his nap he was burning up. :-(

Caris took pity and made him a card.
He really liked it.
Today's been more of the same. Fever, tired, but otherwise nothing major. He even plays when the Motrin kicks in and the fever goes down. I'm wondering if it's Roseola. I guess we'll know in a couple days!

2010-03-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

I ordered this Bible for free from Zondervan from a link I saw - gosh, last week or the week before? It came a few days ago and can I just tell you that I was FLOORED when it arrived!

First of all, it came in a beautiful box and was wrapped with the most darling cover around the box that umm, looked pretty much like my desk does at all times, with receipts, notes, shopping lists, recipes, things like that.

Then I opened up that box - oh MY gosh! You can see above just how darling it is. *It's REALLY cute*.

I got some time last night to flip through this NIV Bible and not only is it cute and the perfect size, it has the sweetest devotions throughout. There are options for the busy mom to choose a 1-minute devotion, a 5-minute devotion and a 10-minute devotion. I love that they know how busy Moms are and that a 10-minute devotional is a lofty goal some days. LOL!

52 Books in 52 Weeks: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

2010-03-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

I kept seeing this book around the blogosphere and it sounded interesting, so I finally picked up a copy from Paperback Swap.

You know how it is when you hear oodles of raves about a book, right? You go in expecting it to be fabulous. A not-putter-downer. Welllll . . . this book wasn't a not-putter-downer for me.

First of all, I didn't realize that the entire book is written in letter form. It took me a while to get it straight in my head who was who. Once I knew everyone it got more interesting, but honestly I didn't feel bonded with the characters until the end of the book. And then I wished there were more time with them.

It's certainly well-written, witty and interesting. It has a war sort of theme and amazingly, I was really interested in the historical details and wondered about finding out more. And I am not a history buff in the least.

I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars.

March menu - lunch

2010-03-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is this month's lunch menu. I counted one day eating out because I think I will be having a girl day celebrating my Mom's Birthday that day, and Alif likes to order pizza or something when it's just he and the kids.

Some days I plan lunch around the previous night's leftovers. For example, tonight we're having chili and there won't be enough left over for a full meal, but tomorrow we'll have a scoop of chili over some brown rice and that will be a nice lunch.

Also, I usually will add in whatever fruits & veggies we get from our CSA box and at the grocery store. When you see lunch looking breakfast-ey, it's usually on a Sunday. We give the kids a little snack before church and eat a big brunch when we get home.

chili & brown rice
taco salad
pasta w/marinara, tomatoes, basil, balsamic vinegar
egg sandwiches, fruit
banana splits (banana, yogurt, fruit, cereal)
tomato soup, grilled cheese
tuna sandwich, apples
pita pizza
english muffin w/jelly, boiled egg, banana
chicken & cranberry sandwich, pears
bean omelets, fruit
baked yams, salad
lentil soup (will freeze half for next time)
turkey sandwich, oranges
snacky lunch (will just cut up fruits, veggies, deli meat, boiled eggs, whatever we have around)
taco salad
salad w/tuna
egg scramble, cinnamon rolls
baked potato, broccoli, ranch
chicken & veggie quesadilla
tuna sandwich, applesauce
english muffin pizza
cottage cheese w/fruit, boiled egg
blueberry pancakes, fruit
macaroni & cheese w/peas
lentil soup (see? there it is!)
pita sandwich (w/tuna, celery, green onions, carrots, mayo, dijon and lettuce)

March menu

2010-03-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by Lynette to make my menu for the month this time instead of a week. She just mentioned it casually, and later when I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Each week I get out paper, cookbooks, my computer and pencil to make my menu. Why not just sit and do it all at one time? It took me 45 minutes, and it usually takes me 20-30 to make a weekly menu, so it was a huge time-saver and wow, what stress relief to know that I don't have to think about my menu again until the end of the month!

In fact, I printed four blank calendars: two for March and two for April. I used one March calendar to make my dinner menu and will use another to make our lunch menu, which doesn't change nearly as much as our dinners do so it will be quick and easy, relatively speaking. I'll keep the April calendars at hand so that when I see a recipe or meal idea that I like, I can jot it down and April's menu planning will be even easier than March was!

We eat out (usually Subway or Del Taco) on Tuesdays, since it's just easy to do that on our way home from ballet and also because it's nice to have one day a week that I don't have to cook! We used to eat out at LEAST 3-4 nights a week so once a week has been a major cutback for us, and so good for us in many ways. Here are the rest of the meals we have planned for March:

chili & rolls
stir-fry, brown rice
pot roast, veggies, mashed potatoes & gravy
baked ham sandwiches, fruit
pork chops, oven-roasted carrots, peppers, onion, red potato wedges
burritos, salad
chef's salad
parmesan garlic chicken, green beans, pasta w/marinara
breaded tilapia, brown rice, broccoli & carrots
spaghetti w/meat and veggie sauce, garlic toast
chicken fajitas, beans
sloppy joes, corn
black bean soup
chinese chicken salad
pasta w/chunky vegetable sauce
slow-cooker black beans and brown rice
pita pizzas, salad
taco salad
taco soup
turkey burgers, salad, fruit
citrus grilled chicken, brown rice, pineapple
fish tacos, asparagus
shredded chicken sandwiches, fruit
broccoli garlic pasta, yams
white chicken chili, cornbread

I'll post our lunch menu tomorrow.

Coty Cuties Tutorial

2010-02-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

I have taken up couponing, which means that I am stocking up on some things around the house - mostly bathroom things like shampoo, razors, toothpaste, things like that. I realized pretty quickly that I'd need to sort out the stuff in my bathroom to organize and make room for it all. I did that today and it looks great and feels so good to have everything I need at my fingertips without sorting through a lot of extra.

In my organizing, I came across two empty Coty loose powder containers. At first I gave them to Caris, which thrilled her, but then as I was sorting out our hair things, I saw what great little storage containers they would make. I asked her if that would be ok and she said sure.

I picked out a couple of pretty papers . . .
Cut them to size . . .
And used Mod Podge and a foam brush to adhere the papers to the Coty containers. I certainly didn't do a perfect job, but they look so sweet in my medicine cabinet! One holds fabric rubber bands and headbands and the other holds clear rubber bands and bobby pins. Nice and neat and cute!

Oh Spud, you stud!

2010-02-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

Spud? Darling? Art though cozy next to me in our wedding bed?
Darling, you know I am. Let me kiss thy split pea lips.
Oh Spud, I'm so thankful I can always lean on thee!

And I on thee, darling!

(Be so very glad I didn't include all 20+ photos Caris took of the potatoes she decorated for Potato Head Night at Awana! But she and Graham both won prizes for their studly spuds! Graham's was truly amazing dressed as Mister T!)

Picture Time

2010-02-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry to start you off with this scary self-portrait, but do you like my new haircut? It's the shortest I've been in a long while and I'm loving it! I'm really never absolutely happy with my hair but this cut and I are getting along pretty well. We were heading out of town this day and my kids wondered aloud why I was taking so many pictures of myself. Talk about feeling vain!
Little Missy all done up for Valentine's Day, and looking just as cute as she can be!
A couple days later we went ice skating with some homeschooling friends. It was a surprise for the kids and though that caused some angst for Graham, they were all really excited when they saw where we were and what we were doing there. The big boys took off and had a ball ice skating. Caris tried it out a bit and then played in the warm party room, and Canaan didn't like his skates much at all. Ahem - until I realized I'd gotten him a size that was too tight for his feet. Once I went up a size he had great fun running around in them, but didn't skate much.

I have seen the healing hand of God

2010-02-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, my Mom started to have some pain in her leg. We tried not to worry - after all, I myself had a strange ankle injury a few weeks ago that got so bad I went to the ER but it settled down and was nothing more than a sprain, though it induced extreme pain.

An x-ray of my Mom's leg showed no fracture. An ultrasound did not find a blood clot. An MRI, however, produced a result none of us was prepared to face: "spots" in the bone marrow. Out of the orthopedist's office and into the oncologist's office, we heard the news we had all been dreading: there is a 1.5" tumor in the bone marrow, and we must assume it is cancer until proven otherwise. We will do a bone scan to get a better picture of what is going on and then we will discuss whether radiation is a viable option or whether we will need chemotherapy.

A week. We slept on this news for a week. We cried over it for a week, held very still and listened for God's voice for a week, discussed the news with only the most fierce prayer warriors for a week. We wondered. Worried. Trusted. Hope rose and fell, rose and fell. Most of all, we prayed for a week. A long, solid week.

Today came - the day after the bone scan; the day we would learn about our future. I drove alone to meet my Mom, her husband and my sister (who drove from out of town) at the oncologist's office. I scanned the Christian radio stations, looking for music of praise and hope. I found none, but heard God ask me to be heard. So I was. I prayed softly to Him - not a prayer of desperation, no tears, just a prayer asking for peace, for healing, for wisdom, clarity, understanding - for Him. All of Him surrounding us.

We were ushered back to a small room and we waited, chatted, laughed. These are the people in my life I can be genuine with. There's no need to put on a brave face, but our relationship is so strong, so close, that we lift one another up without even trying to.

The doctor peeked in and said he needed to speak with the radiologist. What could this mean? We were on pins and needles! He came back quickly, asked my Mom to describe again where she is feeling such pain. She motioned to her knee and down the side of her shin. He was quiet, looked her right in the eyes, and said, "Susan, the bone scan is completely normal."

I . . . cannot describe to you what that moment was like. A split second of disbelief, then joy flooding in. Assurances that the bone scan showed absolutely no cancer anywhere, the bloodwork was clear, the tumor marker is in normal range (as in, normal for any person, not just for a cancer patient!). What is causing her pain? A torn meniscus! Oh, there's never been such rejoicing in all the land over a torn meniscus.

Here's the thing that is amazing: our God used this scare. Ohhh did He. I couldn't begin to list everything He taught even ME during this time, much less what He did in the hearts of my Mom, my sister, the people who love us and prayed faithfully for us during this week. I will tell you this, though. I HAVE seen the healing hand of God. I have seen devastation turned to hope. I have trusted Him in the face of crisis, and His Spirit has enabled me to do that. I have felt peace like a river, knowing that whatEVER the outcome of that bone scan, His plan is holy and good and trustworthy. We can put *everything* into His hands and know that we are well cared for.

This week, as my family and I prayed for my Mom, we prayed for complete healing. He chose to give her complete healing - here on Earth. And I am . . . SO thankful.

Mom, I love you. You - are - INCREDIBLE. Megan, Rod, I love you too. You two are pillars of strength and hope and joy and you mean the world to me. Alif and Jason, you are rocks in our lives and we could not do these hard times without you. Love you both so much. Father God, Healer, thank you. Tonight and always, may we rest securely in your arms.

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Ever After

2010-02-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Karen Kingsbury. I just can't decide how I feel about her writing. Her stories are sweet. They're clean and Godly and the message is always trustworthy. But oh, they're predictable, and I mean, I could have written them myself, you know? There's just never anything in them that makes me say, "Wow!"

Ever After was the same. It's a nice follow-up to Even Now, the first book in the Lost Love series. I was interested in the characters' lives and I thought the story took a few nice turns. If a book #3 came out I'd read it.

I just can't jump up and down over it.

Quiet time: who's it for?

2010-02-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

(Picture credit Google Images)

I've heard many homeschooling mothers declare that as long as she has children at home, there will be a daily quiet time. I've always thought it to be a good idea, actually.

In 1998 I had my first child. He slept a lot. You know, being a newborn and all. In 1999 I had my second child, and my first was only 20 months, so there was still a lot of sleeping going on. Next child came in 2003 and the first two were 5 and 3.5 and both still napping. By the time child #4 came in 2007, we were well established in a quiet time/nap lifestyle. All of my kids have napped well into age 5 and 6, and my older children have been easy to train in quiet time ways, since it has been a daily habit and also quite a privilege to be allowed to play quietly or read or color instead of sleep.

Enter Canaan. (And if we're being honest, I sighed loudly here.) He *just* turned three. Not even two weeks ago. And he flat-out DOES - NOT - NAP. Period. Not only does he not sleep at naptime, it has been VERY challenging trying to teach him to play quietly for an hour while everyone ELSE is having a quiet time. He sneaks out ("But I *LOVE* my Sissy!"). He sneaks out again. He sneaks out YET again. He plays loudly. He comes downstairs.

He drives me insane. At quiet time.

And in light of the obnoxiously non-quiet behavior of the smallest child, the older children are acting a little less quiet during quiet time as well. Today I had two calls for help with a movie on the laptop, one child yelling for help with an annoying brother, another child coming OUT of his room to ask for supplies for tonight's potato head night at Awana, and yet another child yelling for help, resulting in annoying brother being banished to the downstairs with lots of tears as he went.

NOT relaxing.

Which got me thinking: who is this for?

Off the top of my head, I'd answer honestly that it's for them and for me. The children are rested after quiet time. After a busy, hectic morning, everyone seems ready for some downtime - some alone time. They come out with smiles on their faces, ready to face the afternoon.

But if I'm being really BRUTALLY honest, I think quiet time must be more for me than it is for them. Because if a disturbed quiet time leaves the children happy and Mother decidedly UNhappy, maybe Mother needs to suck it up and find other ways to help the children recharge during the day.

Will be praying and will update when our precious, wise Father answers.

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Same Kind of Different as Me

2010-01-30T15:56:00.000-08:00

Wow. I don't even know how else to begin my thoughts on this book. I read this because it's the Bloom Book Club pick, and Angie and Jessica rave about it so much I knew it had to be great.

You know how sometimes you hear so much about a book or movie that when you finally delve in yourself, the build-up was just too much and you're left disappointed? Well, I wouldn't go quite that far with this book, but the first 100 pages I was kind of like - eh, yeah, it's good. But dang, it's not THAT good!

Then. Ohhh man. It gets GOOD, friend. It really did become a book I could not put down. I was lying in my bed sobbing. Literally, I got up to go to the restroom and my eyes were red in their sockets. Alif finally came to bed at 12:19 and I didn't want to keep him up all night with my bawling and everything, so I closed it up and went to sleep. I finished it the next morning, bright and early. LOL

The basic storyline is two lives become entangled - Denver, a modern-dady slave, and Ron, an art dealer with loads of money. It's the kind of relationship that could only be ordained by God, and the story - which is all true! - plays out as only a divinely appointed story can.

Inspiring? Soulful? Entertaining? Heart-wrenching? Lovely? Moving? Check - and so much more. I loved it so much that I finished it three days ago and I haven't picked up a book (except the Bible) since. It needs to just resonate with me a while. Read it.

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Summer Sisters

2010-01-30T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have to tell you that within the first - oh, several chapters of this book, I was thinking that I would not be using this book for one of my 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge books, because I knew I'd be embarrassed - er, ashamed - to admit that I was reading it.

It's a coming of age story, totally. So it starts out with these two young girls who are unlikely friends but who develop a sisterhood-type friendship very quickly. As these girls grow up, they find themselves getting into all sorts of R-rated (ok, maybe even X-rated) situations. Do not let your teenager read this book.

BUT. There is something really sweet about this story. I am blessed to have an actual sister AND a best friend who FEELS like a sister, and this story was like all of those relationships balled into one for me. There's love, angst, periods of time the girls aren't close like they were before - it's just very real and an accurate portrayal of what it's like to be a sister.

The end of the book took me totally by surprise. I can't figure out how I feel about this. It's not that the story took a really bizarre turn or anything, it's just that the whole tone of the book went from light, fun and silly to serious and mature very suddenly. On the one hand, it was a really pleasant surprise after reading through a LOT of fluff. And really, it works that it's so mature when the characters themselves have actually grown up. On the other hand, it's a little weird to have the whole tone change THAT much.

All in all, I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars. I wouldn't read it again, and I wouldn't even recommend it since it did have a lot of hanky-panky, but I enjoyed the book.

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Olive Kitteridge

2010-01-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

Olive Kitteridge. I debated with myself throughout the book whether to say "kitt'ridge" or "kitt-er-idge". It annoys me when I'm not sure how to pronounce a name in a book. Here's a basic description of the book from Publishers Weekly:

Thirteen linked tales from Strout (Abide with Me, etc.) present a heart-wrenching, penetrating portrait of ordinary coastal Mainers living lives of quiet grief intermingled with flashes of human connection. The opening Pharmacy focuses on terse, dry junior high-school teacher Olive Kitteridge and her gregarious pharmacist husband, Henry, both of whom have survived the loss of a psychologically damaged parent, and both of whom suffer painful attractions to co-workers. Their son, Christopher, takes center stage in A Little Burst, which describes his wedding in humorous, somewhat disturbing detail, and in Security, where Olive, in her 70s, visits Christopher and his family in New York. Strout's fiction showcases her ability to reveal through familiar details—the mother-of-the-groom's wedding dress, a grandmother's disapproving observations of how her grandchildren are raised—the seeds of tragedy. Themes of suicide, depression, bad communication, aging and love, run through these stories, none more vivid or touching than Incoming Tide, where Olive chats with former student Kevin Coulson as they watch waitress Patty Howe by the seashore, all three struggling with their own misgivings about life. Like this story, the collection is easy to read and impossible to forget.

I should have taken the "thirteen linked tales" part a little more literally. It's sort of a collection of short stories with a few key characters appearing throughout. I'm not a fan of short stories, and this was no exception - at the end, there were so many characters I wondered about but had no resolution, and while reading it's hard for me to remember who's who. It just annoys me.

However. This book is very well-written. The characters are vivid and believable and relate-able. I wouldn't say I couldn't put it down, but I definitely enjoyed reading it. I would rate it a 4 out of 5 stars.

Dining Room Disaster

2010-01-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

I cleaned my dining room! It took me three days, mainly because I sprained my ankle and it hurt too much to work on it steadily. Here's a before picture:
And here's the after! What a transformation!
Ok, so I don't have an actual before picture, but just trust me when I say that it was awful. When a dining room is actually used for homeschooling, sewing, crafting, coloring, playing, reading - oh, and you know, eating - it can get out of hand pretty quickly. I always want everything right at my fingertips, so I'd tried to cram way too much into the bookshelves, which actually meant that nothing was right at my fingertips when I needed it, and our school days were incredibly frustrating.

I tried to solve the problem with workboxes. It worked! I was thrilled with them. Only one MAJOR problem: I got sick and tired of loading 36 boxes every day. Then I tried loading them once a week, and putting notes in each box for what each child needed to do. Then I got sick and tired of loading 36 boxes every week. It just wasn't working out. Plus, I hated how the space between the bookshelves was completely full with those ugly stacks of boxes.

So? Wanna come along and see what our new system is like? You'll see that I put all those drawers to good use! This bookshelf is now almost completely school-related. The top shelf has my teacher's manuals, baby books, miscellaneous school-related books, and a drawer with various types of papers that we use on a daily basis.

The second shelf has mason jars filled with colored pencils, markers and pencils, and an old tin that my grandparents used to keep around for us. When we were little it contained crayons, but now it holds scissors and things like that. It's just not something I want the kids handling a lot since it's so old and special to me. Next to that is another drawer with one for each child. As I write up the kids' lesson plans, I will put anything the kids will need for the week in their drawers - coloring pages, worksheets I print, things like that. In the next drawer over, there are stickers (the kids get to use these on their journals each day), crayons and school supplies like glue sticks, tape etc.

Next shelf down there are hardback school books and then two drawers. I put all the kids' paperback workbooks and things in the drawers so it's easy to find what we need without stacks of things falling over. Malachi was using his drawers in another room so his are missing.
Looking down, we have reference books as well as books we all use together, and then our kazillion binders.

On the bottom shelf are all the photo albums, drawers with coloring supplies and a basket with math blocks.

And this other shelf? Was really bad before. I would get out a sewing project, work on it a bit, then shove it onto one of these shelves. I'd put papers here, shipping supplies, stuff I wanted to sell on eBay - you name it, I shoved it into this poor bookshelf. Let's see what we have now!

Top shelf - cookbooks and other miscellaneous books that I read fairly regularly, and the kids' finance department - their containers for tithe and savings.

The next shelf is my eBay merchandise shelf.

I used serious, serious discipline on the next shelf down. This is the only shelf I allowed myself for sewing supplies. (Serious pit in my stomach over this!) Everything else I moved to the hall closet. It takes me approximately 17 seconds to walk from the table to the hall closet, and to maintain order in my dining room, I will use even more discipline and put most of my sewing stuff in there. Of course that doesn't include fabric, which is taking up a significant amount of space in my garage and in my laundry room. Ahem.

The next shelf has a spot for educational games and then a drawer for shipping supplies, which I use several times a week.

The bottom shelf is all Canaan. There's not much there right now but I am going to make 3 or 4 school-time bins with things he will use mostly during school time - playdough, puzzles, certain books, coloring books, art supplies, just special stuff that he can use when I need some quiet one on one time with one of the older kids. He's really good at entertaining himself but I'd like for him to have some special things to do too.
So in place of workboxes, I made the kids these clipboards. I'll go over these more another day, but for now just see how cute they are hanging out of the way on the side of our bookshelf there. One is missing since Malachi was using his when I took the picture.
So - yay, we really enjoyed eating dinner in our nice clean dining room tonight! It's certainly a multi-purpose room but it's lovely to have it organized.

Picture Post

2010-01-21T10:57:00.001-08:00

Caris' Dottie had a Birthday. Funny how dog years work - Dottie just had a Birthday a couple months ago. We all have to play ridiculous games, eat strange snacks and bring Dottie presents. Can I just be honest and tell you that when Caris announces that it's Dottie's Birthday, I'm always kind of like - SIGH! This time I was thinking that I was going to tell her that Dottie can only have a Birthday once a year like everyone else. Then I realized that the next time Dottie would have a Birthday, Caris would be seven . . . and then eight . . . and then - oh my gosh, how many more years will Caris honestly want to throw her stuffed dog a BIRTHDAY PARTY?? Hello reality! Instead of moaning and groaning, I got out my newly-repaired sewing machine and whipped up a cute little dog bed for sweet, loved Dottie.
Any guesses on this picture??
Brothers - happy sigh. I got home from a dental appointment and saw the boys cuddled up like this, and it was just one of those sweet moments, quite representative of the kind of relationship these particular brothers share. Precious love.
Proof that one day a couple weeks ago, Mommy took a nap!!
I saw Caris sitting on the couch and snapped a picture, and it looked just like she looks to me - you know how sometimes pictures just capture something very common? This was one of those for me.

52 Books in 52 Weeks: Even Now

2010-01-15T17:36:00.000-08:00

Why do I let fees happen at the library? Every time we incur fees, we stay away from the library for long periods, and then when the fees are paid off I always marvel at what an amazing resource the library is.

Right now we're all paid off and enjoying our wonderful little library. I especially enjoy requesting books online so that they call and let me know when they're ready, and they are right at the front desk waiting for me!

This time though, the kids were browsing for something interesting so I did the same. I knew I wanted fiction. I checked in the Maeve Binchy area and nothing caught my eye. I went over to Karen Kingsbury next, and there were a few books there that I hadn't read and that weren't the middle of a series. I picked this one that looked cute - Even Now.

Well? It was cute. LOL I don't have a whole lot to say about the book because it wasn't compelling, it wasn't wonderfully written, it wasn't a lot of things - but it was enjoyable to read and a sweet story.

I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

How must it feel?

2010-01-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

Each night before bed, Canaan cuddles with Alif on the couch for a while and then I carry him up to bed and tuck him in. He sleeps all night in his bed, and about 2 mornings a week he crawls into bed with Alif and I early in the morning.

This morning was a baby-in-bed morning. He crawled in around 5:45 and we fell back asleep until I got up with my alarm at 6:45. I looked over at him and he was absolutely peaceful. He was on his back, and as I slipped out of bed, he shifted a little closer to Alif and stayed sound asleep.

Later in the day I was wishing I could get inside his head. What is it like when he wakes in his bed? Does he feel a little cold and think of our heavy blankets? Does he feel lonely and long for our arms around him? Does he miss us?

Whatever the case, can you just imagine the feeling? You're cold or lonely or scared, and you crawl up into your mama and daddy's bed, slide your hands around mama's tummy, and your world is now complete. You're warm. Your Daddy is big and solid and all yours in the quiet of this morning. Mama kisses your cheek, your forehead, your hair, and lies still, no distractions.

I think it's what it will feel like to us when we're in Heaven and our Daddy beckons us, don't you?

52 Books in 52 Weeks: The Time Traveler's Wife

2010-01-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed The Time Traveler's Wife! It had been a long time since I'd read fiction, and this challenge was the perfect opportunity for me to go - hey, you know what? If I'm going to read a book a week this year, I will most definitely make time for myself to read some fiction, because that's what I love the most.

The first half of the book was pretty much what I expected from the movie previews. Engaging, romantic, funny. There was a lot more risque content than I had expected. In the second half, I started to grow a little weary of all the time shifting and the vocabulary specific to a time-traveling book. It just got a little old. It also got creepy. Of course, I'm very easily creeped out, so I'm sure this book wouldn't be considered creepy by 99% of the population.

I'm glad I read this book, and it made me want to see the movie, even though watching a movie after reading the book usually annoys me. :-)

52 books in 52 weeks challenge - join in!

New Year Wishes

2009-12-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking tonight, on New Year's Eve, of a New Year's Eve over a decade ago. I was working as a hostess at an upscale restaurant and I really wanted to look hot that night. When I walked in to work in a plunging-neckline dress borrowed from my mom and an updo that totally worked, I felt hot. I felt the sexiest I've ever felt in my life that night. My body rocked, my outfit rocked, my hair looked amazing, and my makeup was perfect.

Tonight? I weigh - umm, a lot more than I did then. My hair's in an updo alright, and my bangs are pinned to the side with a bobby pin. I'm wearing green velour sweat pants, and Alif's not exactly drooling over me - instead, he's watching a movie on his laptop while I talk to you on mine.

Sigh.

I've been considering today what I might wish for the new year. I'm not even sure I know. Isn't there something wrong with that, to not even know what I want to accomplish? I have a hard enough time achieving goals I am really excited about.

But here's the truth of the matter:

I want my Mom to remain healthy in 2010.

I want to lose weight and reclaim myself in 2010.

I want to fold in to my Lord in 2010 and stay safely under his wing.

I want healing in 2010.

High hopes and a big, big God. Bring it on, 2010.

52 Books in 52 Weeks

2009-12-29T17:40:00.001-08:00

I saw this intriguing project on my friend Daisy's blog and thought - hey, this is a good idea! I think that, like Daisy mentioned, it will help me spend less time on the computer and more time reading books, and that would be a good thing. I already have a big stack of books and can't wait to get started on this challenge! Head on over and sign u p!

Christmas Pageant

2009-12-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

The kids have been practicing for a couple of months for the church's annual Christmas program. Malachi was not excited about this at all and in fact, at one point he cried and said, "I'm not a stage kind of person!" I said, "Well, you're already committed to doing it so you are going to perform, but it's your last year in this." I felt a little guilty about it but come on, it's just a church Christmas program! It's not like I'm asking him to perform in front of thousands, you know?

And ok, maybe I'm living vicariously through my children a little bit. Because I love to sing and would love to perform in something like this! My Mom and I were in a musical a few years ago and it was so, so fun. There just aren't that many opportunities for adults to do things like this, darn it!

Of course I made them pose for a totally unflattering, cheesy picture before we left . . .
Canaan performed too but stayed with us in the audience until it was his turn to sing. When our children's director called for the 2-year-olds to come up, Canaan just walked right up to the stage, all by himself. Big boy!
Each of the boys had a speaking part. Graham: I can't even load my iPod, 'cause they don't have internet (in Bethlehem)!
Malachi: Of all of the places they could send us! Surely they are kidding! (sounded like: of all of the places they could send us surely they are kidding.)And afterward - happy it's over, I guess? LOL

Gingerbread Cookie Decorating Party

2009-12-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

Years and years ago, when my boys were - oh, 2 and 3 I think? We had our playgroup friends and a few extras over for a gingerbread man decorating party. It was adorable, and I still treasure the pictures I have of the kids going sugar-crazy for one special day.

Every year we talk about doing it again, and I guess every year I just haven't been up to it. This year though, we got the house all cleaned up for Graham's Birthday party and decided that it would be a perfect time to have a few friends over to consume massive amounts of sugar with us!

Thanks for coming, friends! We had such a nice time!

Ballerina Girl

2009-12-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

Ballerina girl, you are so lovely.
With you standing there, I'm so aware of how much I care for you.

I can see in you my dreams come true.
When I hold you I only want to say I love you.
Ballerina girl, the joy you bring me!

Every day and night, holding you tight
How I've waited for your love!
Ballerina girl . . .
you are so lovely.

I can see in you my dreams come true.

Hold these things

2009-12-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

A mother knows what it's like to hold a newborn baby. She marvels at his tiny fingers and toes, his rosebud lips, the way his pudgy hands have yet to make way for knuckles. She admires the way his hair swirls gently against his head, listens intently to every gurgle and cry. She sees the way he moves and is amazed at how his movements mirror the way he felt in her womb just hours or days before.

She cannot believe she has been blessed with this child. That God has chosen her to mother this tiny little being - to raise him and know him, to laugh with him and hold his tiny hands, to dance with him, to nurse him, to teach him and guide him.

A mother cherishes her baby child every minute of every day in that babymoon time. She keeps a camera close by and captures his sleeping moments, the way he looks in his new pajamas, his precious little feet, his big baby yawns. She just can't get enough of this new person in her life.

I remember dearly those new days with each of my babes. The way I was absolutely overwhelmed with adoration for them.
In Canaan's favorite Christmas book, The Christmas Story According to Luke, I read for the first time this verse about Mary . . .

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I'm sure I've seen the verse before, but it struck me anew this week as I read it to my son. I suddenly pictured Mary with her baby, the Christ child, and how completely overcome she must have been. She wasn't just a new Mommy. She was a new Mommy to the King. The King of Kings. The Lord. The creator of Heaven and earth. The Savior! I can't wait to sit with Mary in Heaven and ask her to describe what she felt in those days, as she cradled and nursed our Father God. She nursed our Father God! Talk about wishing there were a manual by which to raise a child! Wow.

Christ the Savior is born.
Christ the Savior is born!

Not just their journey

2009-12-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

We met with our charter school resource teacher today. We all love our resource teacher, but it was not the easiest meeting ever. We have not been completing as much work as we should. While Graham has improved considerably in his reading class, Malachi has not. There was talk of keeping him in 6th grade for another year. And as long as we're on a suck-fest roll, Graham's been having some behavior issues in his enrichment classes.

I left feeling deflated.

Here's the thing about being a Christian mother. We know that we have hope in all circumstances. We know that God is bigger than any situation. We know that he loves our kids even more than we do, and he's not about to give up on them, ever.

But. I also know how many times I have failed my kids. That I have always struggled with discipline and when I am not disciplined, my kids pay for it.

How to make these two balance? The whole drive home my mind kept going back and forth: "You're such a loser of a mother."
"No you're not. You discipline consistently, you love your kids, and their faith is infinitely more important than their reading level."
"But their reading level is important, and you're failing them. That reading teacher, why didn't she tell me it wasn't going well with Malachi? She said in 10 short weeks she would fix my boys. They're not fixed."

And then . . . "I am a God of hope, and I love you. We will get through this together."

I heard the voice of my God, still and peaceful in my heart. And then I realized. I'm not just a neutral in this homeschooling journey. It's not just their journey. It's mine, too. God has not only called me to homeschool my children because it is what's best for them - it's what's best for me, too. I need to grow in discipline. I need to grow in grace. It's not just for them. I'm not lost in some whirlwhind of a 20-year homeschooling journey. I'm here with purpose. FOR a purpose. My God is faithful, and he will never, ever give up on me.

Beach Fun

2009-12-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

Growing up, we spent a lot of time at the coast. My Grandparents lived there in a darling beach house that was so close the the water, we could walk from their house to the sand in about 5 minutes.
We created so many memories of that little beach town that I think we all felt that we had ownership of it. We knew each little store and restaurant, the names of all the streets, where the steps led down to the sand.

When my Grandparents got too old to live in their home, it had to be sold in order to pay for their care. I know that our treasures are in Heaven, but losing that home was like losing a piece of my heart.

The first time we went back there, I couldn't even get out of the car. I started crying as the freeway exit approached and didn't stop for a full ten minutes. We drove up and down a street or two and when Alif asked if I'd like to get out I told him I just couldn't do it. It was just not the same without my Grandparents to greet us, without the familiar home away from home.
A few years ago my Dad and his wife started a Thanksgiving tradition of renting a home in another small beach community. It was nice to get away and spend time at the beach again. Over the years, though, it's turned into much more than that. It's a healing place. A place we can return to year after year. My kids are starting to know all the little shops. They know which streets lead down to the sand. They run with reckless abandon into the freezing cold water. They look forward to walking down the pier on our last day and then eating at the fish & chips shop nearby.

I know that God cares about our hearts, and I'm so thankful to Him for making a new tradition. It will never be the same as my Grandparents' home, of course, but it's wonderful nonetheless.

A Year of Graham

2009-12-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

Happy 10th Birthday Graham!!

In January you wore over 30 shirts to Awana for layers night or some crazy thing. You had so many on you couldn't breathe and we had to stop and strip off some layers. I was genuinely frightened.

This year you have grown to really enjoy reading. I wasn't sure I'd ever find you reading just for enjoyment but that has happened many times over the last year. You recently read the book "Holes" and loved it. I read it too and could totally see why you enjoyed it so much. Great book!

Your love of photography continued. I love that you make sure you have your camera and fresh batteries when we go somewhere. It cracked me up when you showed me how you had taken a video of our whole car trip one time. You've done it a few times since.In April we went to Home Depot and built their free project. We've done 2 or 3 of them now and you always enjoy it. Grandma Baldwin even took you to one when you spent the night at her house!

Also in April we went as a family to a local farm and picked berries. You enjoyed playing in the corn and ate blueberries all the way home.
You played baseball again and liked it ok.You let your hair grow for a while. I'm not sure it was the right look. You never really seem to care too much about things like this, and when I told you one day that it was time to cut it you just said, "ok."

Grandpa Payne took you to the school by our house and practiced soccer with you almost every day this summer. You improved A LOT. At the beginning of this soccer season you said the worst your team would ever do would be to tie, because no one would get any balls past you. You really were a great player and even scored a goal this season!

In November we took our annual trip to the beach. As usual, you loved it and had a blast playing in the sand and water with your brother, playing checkers with your Dad and this year we had a mini Birthday party, at which you received things like duct tape and hot glue guns. This made you so happy that you proclaimed, "there can never be too much duct tape!!"

I love you, son. I love you.

Graham's Last Day of 9

2009-12-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

This little baby all in stripes was born on December 4, 1999. He weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and was 21" long. He was the perfect addition to our very small family - baby boy #2, the second son in 20 months' time. We knew how to do baby boys, and we felt ready. Then he arrived, and literally slept 20 hours a day for his first two weeks. He was such an easy baby!

But let me back up a minute. That December was the most precious Christmas season to date for me, and actually, Graham's December birth has made Christmas ever so much more meaningful for me than I ever imagined it could be. Something about expecting my own baby son, singing hymns to our Lord and remembering when He came to earth as a baby - I did lots of crying that season! Joyful crying - I felt so connected to Christ's birth, and thinking of the intimacy of it brings me to tears even now.

He continued to bless us as a toddler, too. He's the boy who would bring a smile to our faces all day every day with his silly sayings and his facial expressions and just his funny way of being who he is. He had to have something fuzzy with him at all times. First there was fuzzy bear, then there was his fuzzy green blanket, and then there was Spot. Actually, there continues to be Spot, a Build-A-Bear gift from Grandma Baldwin. I can't even count the times I would be asking him to do something and he would have to stop and gather whatever fuzzies he'd gathered before moving on. It could be a fuzzy from inside a stuffed animal, pulled from a sweater or pillow - anything fuzzy would do.

Graham started to throw a loop in things when he was about 3. He'd been such a delightfully easy baby and toddler, and suddenly he . . . wasn't. He wasn't easy.

We certainly have never wavered in our love for our son, but life with Graham can be trying.
Very trying.

But oh - my - gosh. Be still my heart. How I love and adore my son. How I mourn that today is his last day as a nine-year-old. Letting go of the single digits is painfully hard today.

Dear Graham,
Son, you are storms and sunshine in my day, every day. We may battle the whole day long, and then at the end of it you might pray to God and thank Him for such a wonderful day, leaving me to weep at the many times I yelled at you to stop whatever crazy thing you'd been doing.

This past few months in particular have been like walking an emotional tightrope, haven't they? I started to suspect that your Tourette's Syndrome wasn't the only thing causing your days to be difficult. I stumbled upon a site about Asperger's Syndrome and my stomach churned as just about everything I read described you perfectly. My heart leaped with hope and nervousness as I sought more information, and eventually, assessments and help. It sunk in sadness when the first therapist we saw said that she was "unusually certain" of this diagnosis for you.

We might be walking a tightrope, Graham, but I hope you always know deep within you that we're walking hand in hand. You, your Daddy, your siblings and me. We all love you more than you might ever know. I worry that our long days might leave you exhausted emotionally, that the negatives so far outweigh the positives. I am praying that as we seek help and guidance, we can turn that around and make life more enjoyable for us all. I wish I had known all of this years ago and had avoided a lot of pain, but I trust that God's timing is perfect.

Graham, I joke with you about just turning 9 again instead of moving on to 10, but someday you will be a Daddy and you will understand how desperate a parent can feel at times to preserve these days. I love waking up and knowing that I will see your face every morning. I love tucking you in at night and hearing your sweet prayers. I love teaching you. I love playing with you. I love watching you grow and change and mature. I love being your Mom.

I love you, just as you are, now and always!

Teeth: check

2009-11-30T12:55:00.000-08:00

Alright. Let this be my PSA of the week: Brush Your Teeth! But don't stop there. Brush them with a good electronic toothbrush if you can. Floss your teeth, too. Use a mouthwash. Get your teeth cleaned every six months. Be a little obsessive about it. Because if you don't, you'll be like me.

I went to see my dentist in 2007, and apparently it had been a while because at the time they recommended a deep clean, which would cost $195. Totally embarrassing and not at all affordable. I never did go back. Until today.

I knew it would be a bad situation. After all, if I needed a deep clean in 2007, and if my own teeth grossed me out in the mirror, then I knew the situation could not be good today.

I took Caris with me, such a wimp was I to go alone. The x-ray tech took her pictures - both x-ray and actual pictures - and she was just plain delightful. She had a sense of humor that took the edge right off. She took us back to a room and put on The Little Mermaid for us. And ok, I love the music in that movie but I'd forgotten how much evil and magic there was! Eeeks!

The dentist came in and introduced himself and asked, "So, what would you be doing today if you weren't here?" Aww, nice! He checked out my teeth and then explained the whole nasty situation. I need two crowns. Two other spots of decay he just put on watch, since they'd gone ahead and hardened over. (Cool!) And of course, I needed a deep cleaning and also irrigation, which is some technique they use to handle periodontal disease.

Then in came the big bad billing lady. The crown will of course be quite expensive, but I was dismayed when she said that the deep cleaning would be $404 and the irrigation $240. Oh no, oh no! I told her I just couldn't do it, and she said she would go talk to the doctor.

Next thing I knew the hygienist came in and said they could do a regular cleaning and send me home with a bottle of stuff that would swish my gum disease away. Total $35. WOW! Do we serve a God who can handle even our silliest, nastiest problems or what?

I have to tell you, that cleaning hurt. But the hygienist was amazing and my teeth look incredible. Caris was so sweet - she sat next to me and rubbed my arm. LOL Something's very backward about this picture, isn't it?

Anyway, I will be a LOT better about caring for my teeth from here on out, I promise!

BeSIDE Myself.

2009-11-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

This morning the funniest thing happened. Let me preface by saying that Alif and I were both VERY grouchy after having almost no sleep last night due to a certain little someone coughing in our bed all - night - long.

Alif got up and was going through all my CDs and he was just on a roll, trying to get them all organized. I went back to bed for an hour and by the time I got downstairs he'd spent probably 2 hours on the project and there were CDs missing and such - he was beSIDE himself. LOL

So here's what happened. He found this DVD that said "Tater Family" on it, handwritten by me. He asked, "Who's the Tater Family?" Well, I'll tell you who they are - they're a family of potatoes that I dressed up to look like people for an Awana lesson. So my sleep deprivation plus the silliness of him asking so seriously who they were and me picturing "Agi Tater" and "Commen Tater" was just too much. I lost it. I started laughing so hard I knew I looked ugly. I mean, it was BAD. And all the while he was just staring at me like I was retarded, and that made it so much funnier to me, and by this time I had tears going down my face and it felt very red. He kept asking, "Who ARE they? Emily, who are the Tater family?" And every time he asked, I laughed harder.

He said, "Can you go upstairs if you're going to act like that?" and it sounded to me like something one of the kids would say to each other if they were annoyed, and if it was possible, I laughed EVEN HARDER. Somehow I found the breath to say, "What did you say??" and he said, "Please. Please get a grip." Oh man, laughing fits are so, so good.

Weaning Continued

2009-11-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

Moving on is not easy. My emotions cover me head to toe, thinly veiled and completely undone by some of life's changes.

I'm ready to wean. Canaan's ready too. He's a big boy, all action and words and ideas. He still cries for mum-mum and there have been a few times I've almost aborted this mission and gone back to our cozy-all-the-time nursing days. I have actually nursed him four times since we went cold-turkey, for less than a minute each time. Each time I try *not* to wonder if it's the last. I try *not* to memorize how his little face looks, how his hands stroke my arms, how his hair feels on my lips as I kiss his sweet head. I try *not* to see how desperate his eyes look when I tell him it's time and break the suction with my finger.

I do soak in how he nestles in with his head resting on my neck once he stops. I cherish the way he still crawls in bed with me, takes my hand and uses my palm as his pillow. I cry even now, not wanting my precious baby boy to grow into a big boy who doesn't need mommy's cuddles nearly as much. Even though big boys are amazing too.

Right after I weaned Canaan, he and I both caught colds. This is the biggest temptation of all to nurse him. To nourish him the way only this milk within me can. I have expressed milk that I thawed and tried to give him in a cup, but it isn't what he wants. It's from the tap or not at all, I guess. I wonder if God allowed this minor illness as a reminder that we are both in His hands, at His breast, nourished by His loving care.

The worst part of nursing is letting it go.

I'm a Weaner

2009-11-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

I will try to be brief, but feel free to skip this if you're not a breastfeeding fan. An extended breastfeeding fan. This is my abbreviated chronicle of my weaning times.

I planned to wean Malachi between 12 and 13 months. The "thing to do" was to wean at a year, but I didn't want to cut him back too drastically, so by 12 months I had him down to 4x a day and figured I'd cut one out per week until he was 13 months and we were done. Except that the time came and he really wasn't fond of weaning, and neither was I. I didn't realize a person could just keep nursing. How ridiculous that sounds now! So I tried weaning him many times, and was unsuccessful many times. I even snuck nursing him when we were out of town one time, and when Alif walked in he said, "what are you doing?" He was asking out of surprise, not condemnation, but the fact is that I felt guilty about nursing my son for so much longer than was normal. I had another son when he was 20 months, and by around age 2 Malachi had just tapered off and wasn't nursing any more. His weaning went largely unnoticed by us both. Sorry I don't have a picture of him at weaning age - I was still using *film* and don't feel like trying to figure out scanning and all that.

Here's Graham right around his weaning time. He was two and a half. I had been nursing for over four years, and I was pretty much ready to not be nursing any more. Graham was (and is) such a creature of habit, and he was totally thrilled with the 10 seconds he got on each side when he awoke in the morning. Literally - I would count from one to ten on each side, and he'd pop off, happy. Well, you'd think there would be hardly anything left, but I was excruciatingly engorged after he weaned, and that was no fun, but he was fine with weaning, as far as I remember.Caris was almost three when I weaned her. I was going on a trip to Scotland and needed to not be nursing her, because there was no way I was going to pump for 8 days when she was almost three. Not gonna happen. But it was hard. I shed A LOT of tears. SHE shed a lot of tears. It makes me tearful even now, reading again about it and remembering how hard it was. Then I read the updates and it's so encouraging to see that it really did get easier.
And now here I am, being a weaner again. I cut Canaan back to twice a day about a month ago, because it was just too frustrating having him whining for mum-mums all day long and even sometimes at night. Well, that plan didn't go all that great because he just kept whining for it. A lot. A few nights ago he crawled into bed with Alif and I just after 12 and cried on and off the entire night. I just kept telling him no, and he kept crying. It was miserable. Alif called me from work the next morning to see how I was doing after such a long night and I said, "I'm done. I'm just done."

If he would happily nurse 1-2 times a day, I would love to nurse him at least until his Birthday in February, and wean him pretty quickly after that. I wanted to make it all the way to age three with him, and it's stupid to wean him now, in the midst of flu season, but this crying and whining is just too disruptive to our life. It's not fair to him, me or the rest of the family. So basically, I think I have only nursed him two times since then. He hasn't nursed at all in the last two days. Yesterday when I put him to bed, I had a little cry - it was the first entire day I hadn't nursed him. When Alif and I sat down at the end of the night I told him so, and asked if he was a little sad that I'm not nursing the baby any more. He knows me well and assured me that he isn't. I'd have crumpled for sure if he'd admitted that it is a little sad. LOL

Canaan has had a very, very hard time with the adjustment. The first day I didn't give him mum-mums after nap, there was almost a solid hour of crying no matter what I did. I promised to buy him a very big sucker from Target that he'd seen and he got excited about that exchange - until the middle of that first night, when he cried, "I don't want suckers actually, I want mum-mums!" Heartbreaking!!

I've pumped 3x to relieve the throbbing pressure, and the mum-mums are slowly adjusting. I'm both glad they're less sore and sad that they're starting to realize that there is no need for milk.

Oh precious boy, I love you! I am so sad that this is hard for you, but it is exciting seeing you growing into a big boy. Please don't ever stop being my cozy baby. My heart can't take it.

It IS November, after all

2009-11-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

We made popcorn balls for my mother-in-law's Halloween party. Oh friends, they are good and so easy! Go make them! Or don't, and be thankful that you don't know what you're missing. We may be guilty of making several batches of these and consuming them all.

So at the same party, mil hosted a carving contest. Graham carried this one over for Alif and I oohed and aahed over it like nobody's business. As you can see, I even took pictures of it. "Oh my goodness, it's the cutest one ever! Alif, I love it!!" He soaked in my praise, beaming. Yeah - it was FAKE!! That trickster! He even had Graham pretend it was heavy-ish so I wouldn't suspect anything. Boo! LOL

Here are all the actual jack-o-lanters on display. Look at darling Brea in the middle, holding Canaan. I kid you not, that girl tried for over a year to court Canaan and he would have nothing to do with her. This soccer season he suddenly fell in love with her, and he just can't get enough of her now!

Here are all the kids, ready to gather candy. Malachi and Graham were white ninjas, Caris was a cheetah and Canaan was accidentally the evil spider-man. Don't blame me, I didn't know what I was ordering. Ebay took over my common sense.

We decided, incidentally, that next year it's going to be a church carnival for our family. Caris commented twice about the gory stuff around and said she was afraid she'd have nightmares.

She sure looked cute, though, and her two missing front teeth made her look like she had kitty fangs. LOL
Saturday was our last day of soccer, and both boys won their last games (so did Caris, the week before). And actually, that may have been far from our last weekend of soccer because Malachi's team is in the playoffs and I think he has been picked up for a spring select team. See me (not) jumping for joy.
Canaan had fun modeling Aunt Rabae's green glasses. Not sure if these are for real or what but they were hilarious on him.

I half-jokingly tried to line up all my boys in that cheesy between-the-legs portrait pose and was sure they wouldn't do it - but they did. ROFL
Kinda cute, yeah? Look what happened next:
Goofy goofballs! LOL I'll end with one of my favorite pics of Graham - love him!!

Hair's the Deal

2009-10-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I had long, blonde, straight hair. I loved it. I loved it so much that when I went to the movies, I would carefully coil it up and make sure it was all safely between my back and the seat, lest someone behind me would cut it.

Yes, I'm serious.

Well, we all know what happens when we're prideful. My long, blonde, straight hair is now shoulder-length, mousy brown with gray accents, wavy/curly/straight hair. The gray hairs curlicue up out of the other hair, standing bold and proud and waving their curly gray-hair pride flags.

My bangs have a good-hair day about every 3 weeks. The rest of the time, they throw a little temper tantrum, curling slightly but then flopping over so that they curve around instead of falling in straightish wisps to the side.

The ends of my hair do not look happy with me. They look like they are protesting hanging around for as long as I'm forcing them to. They act as though the every-couple-months coloring I subject them to is just too much to ask and would I please just cut them off already?

Oh! But it's still niiiice and thick. So thick that in order to straighten ALL of the hairs, I need to flat-iron the hair in little sections and it takes a good 20 minutes. Which I do not enjoy.

Just wear it curly, you say? It's not like that, friends. It's not a pretty curl. It's an "oh my gosh, what happened to your hair?" kind of curl.

And on top of all of THAT, I have issues. I can't stand the feeling of my hair in my face. So what I basically do is just pretend each day that I don't HAVE hair. I put it in a ponytail and then bobby-pin the bangs out of my way. It's really pretty. Yeah.

Anyone have my hair solution?